A Long Way to Arrive at a Kiss
by Kernow66
Summary: This was originally going to be a chapter of The Future is Past but it seemed...bigger than that. It's set between S2, Ep4 and S2, Ep6 where Caroline had a lot of time on her hands and a lot of thinking to do. The title is taken from a Pablo Neruda poem. If you don't read my fic, please read the poem. In fact, just read Neruda.
1. Chapter 1

It was early. Very early on Christmas morning. Caroline's body was shuddering slightly. Kate crawled back up beside her looking smug.

"We've wrecked this bed." She smiled. "Look at it...it was so neat and tidy and now...well...we've wrecked it."

Caroline reached out to pull Kate to her. "God Kate, you're...you've turned me into..." she tailed off searching for the words before looking at Kate, now in her arms and visibly melting into her eyes. There was a long pause as the two women gazed at each other and then Caroline seemed to mentally shake herself and she said with a small laugh, "You've turned me into a bed wrecker."

Kate smirked cheekily, "Yeah that's right, I turned Caroline Elliot."

"Into a bed wrecker Kate, _that's_ what we were discussing. Not that you 'turned me' per se." The amusement was clear in Caroline's voice.

Kate tried to look sad, pushing her bottom lip out, pouting, "You mean I didn't turn you?"

Caroline smiled at Kate's playfulness. "You probably could've...but no darling, I think I was already...inclined to the pleasures of the female form."

"Damn. And I thought it was me who'd..._persuaded_ you." Kate couldn't help the grin that spread across her face.

"Was that the aim then?" Caroline still smiled but there was a hint of seriousness in her words.

"You weren't a conquest, Caroline. Ever. But I wanted you for a long time."

They looked at each other again and then Caroline leaned in and kissed Kate sweetly before saying seriously, "I'm sorry that I made everything so...difficult."

"Neither of us is without blame, Caroline. But this is a fresh start now...isn't it?"

"Yes. I want it to be." Definite. Resolved.

"Good. Then let's just move forward." She leaned in and kissed Caroline again before snuggling into her arms.

All was quiet for a while, then Caroline said tentatively, "I should probably tell you something." Kate looked up at her expectantly but said nothing. Caroline swallowed before saying quietly, "I've been seeing someone."

* * *

5 Months Previously

_"...only don't bother, don't grow up..not on my account."_

"So Caroline. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself."

Caroline perched on the edge of the chair. Staring into the abyss that was her fucked-up life. "There's very little to say. Really." She looked down at the waste paper basket. It needed emptying.

The woman sitting opposite her looked at her steadily. Wise, hazel eyes looked out from under a rather scruffy fringe, albeit her shiny, chestnut hair was pretty in its unruliness.

Caroline looked up into her gaze. She suddenly felt panicky and found herself blurting out, "I think I may've made a mistake. I'm not sure what I'm doing here."

"Well...what were you thinking when you initially called to make this appointment?" A quiet, steady voice. Calm. It suddenly reminded Caroline of Kate and without warning she started to cry.

Caroline was ashamed of sitting, crying in front of a stranger but once the tears started she couldn't seem to stop. She bowed her head and sobbed.

"Caroline." She looked up in reaction to her name to see she was being offered a box of tissues.

The breath caught in her throat on a sob. She reached out and took a tissue. "Thanks..." She tailed off, having forgotten the woman's name.

"Helen." She smiled kindly. Placed the tissues on the small table between them. "They're there if you need them."

A choked gasp. "Sorry."

"No need." Helen let Caroline cry for a minute or so, waiting until she'd taken two more tissues, blown her nose and the sobs had subsided before she asked gently, "What was it that made you cry then?"

Caroline looked at her through watery, red-rimmed, blue eyes and said sadly but without pity, "The pathetic state of my fucked-up life."

Helen didn't bat an eyelid. Same even tone. "What makes it fucked-up?"

Caroline drew an uneven breath. "I'm 46 and I can't form a lasting, meaningful relationship...with anyone." She looked at Helen as if she'd just announced something so damning, so revelatory, so definitive, that there couldn't possibly be anything anyone could say in response.

"Who are you thinking of specifically when you say that?"

Caroline looked at her a little astounded. Firstly that she'd dared to ask that question. And secondly that she'd asked any question at all after her statement. "Anyone." Curt. Bland.

"Ok. Give me an example of 'anyone'."

"Does it matter?" Snippy.

"Yes, I think it probably does." Calm. Maintained eye contact.

"What makes you think that?" Tried to retreat into headmistress mode.

"I think it's why you came here today, Caroline." She looked steadily at Caroline and then when she didn't say anything, asked quietly, "So, which relationship in particular has brought you here?"

Caroline felt herself tearing up again. She looked past Helen. There was an abstract painting on the wall behind her. A blue canvas that had been daubed with green and looked, to Caroline, like it'd been stored in a damp garage. It made her feel...frustrated. She wanted to tidy it. Make it more...ordered. Controlled. She looked back, straight into Helen's patient, soft hazel eyes. She heard herself saying, as if from underwater, "Kate."

Helen nodded gently. She repeated quietly, "Kate." Then, "So what was your relationship with Kate like?" Caroline felt like she wasn't ready to hear someone else say Kate's name. It made her wince when she heard it. Like a sharp skewer in her heart.

Caroline was quiet for a long time. She stared off into the distance. Faraway. There was a long, long pause and then Caroline uttered one barely audible word, "Precious."

Helen allowed the word to settle in the air. She crossed her legs and then asked, "Tell me about Kate. What's she like?"

Caroline exhaled audibly and looked to her right, out of the window. Helen's office was on the first floor and there was a tree right outside the window. In full leaf, it looked magnificent and proud.

Caroline took another breath. A swimmer, ploughing her way through choppy waters. She remembered learning about bilateral breathing at school. She was a good swimmer and she'd liked her swimming teacher. She enjoyed swimming. Being alone in the pool. Just her and her thoughts and controlling her body in that safe environment. With Kate her body hadn't felt controlled. She'd felt...wild. Utterly abandoned. Out of control. Wonderful.

"She's...lovely." Another breath. _How could she describe the woman who'd turned her life upside down with her beautiful smile and gentle nature? Who hadn't asked for anything but who had given...everything. Who had made her feel. Alive._ "Kind. Thoughtful. Gentle. Sweet. Giving. Lov..." She stopped abruptly. She'd gone too far. Hit a wall.

"Were you going to say 'loving' then?" Gentle. Non-judgmental.

The breath caught in Caroline's throat again. She couldn't speak. Instead she looked at Helen mutely and nodded.

"Did she love you?"

Caroline started to cry again. Or rather, tears started to course down her cheeks as if of their own accord. She looked a little startled at her emotions betraying her. She grabbed another tissue and scrubbed at her tears almost furiously until they stopped. She looked at Helen apologetically. Tight voice. "I think she did, yes." Factual.

"And did you love her?"

Caroline felt like she was being held under the water. Struggling to breathe. Unable to surface. Lungs burning. She fought to regain control. "I was very...fond of her." Throat now hurting at how tight it felt.

"So she loved you, and you were very fond of her. Was that a problem...the uneven nature of your feelings?" Said entirely without judgment or malice.

"Clearly." Snotty. Sarcastic. Defensive. A pause, then, "Sorry."

"You said earlier that you weren't capable of forming a lasting, meaningful relationship. Why do you think that was with Kate?"

A small voice. Sad. Regretful. "Because I'm hopeless." Caroline cast her eyes downwards.

Helen said thoughtfully, "Hopeless. Without hope. Surely nobody is entirely without hope, Caroline? After all, you don't seem to me to be innately evil, so surely there is hope that you can attain the lasting, meaningful relationship you seek with someone else?"

Caroline's head shot up. She looked astounded at Helen's suggestion and retorted quickly, "But I don't want someone else!" As soon as it was out of her mouth, she seemed sorry that she'd said it and broke eye contact to again look at the picture behind Helen's head.

Helen allowed a short pause before saying, "So it's Kate you want the lasting, meaningful relationship with?"

Caroline realised this wasn't really a question but that she needed to answer anyway. She grudgingly acknowledged to herself that Helen might actually know what she was doing.

Caroline continued looking at the painting for a while. Contemplating its blues and greens. Trying to make form out of its lack of form. She turned to meet Helen's eyes. "Yes." A quiet admission.

"Then I think we need to talk about why the relationship failed, Caroline."

Caroline swallowed a sigh. "It was because of me."

Helen said gently, "Ok..but what was it that you did...or didn't do?"

Caroline felt a little hemmed in. The well worn leather chair she was sitting on seemed, all of a sudden, a bit too small. She wriggled a little. "I think Kate would tell you that it was because I wouldn't acknowledge our relationship openly."

"Do I take it you don't agree with that?"

"I don't feel the need to flaunt any of my personal relationships. And I don't think that equates to not being committed." Haughty. Practiced. Dr Elliot being challenged by the Board of Governors.

Helen sounded thoughtful as she asked, "Is 'flaunting' the same as 'acknowledging'?"

Caroline gritted her teeth. _Great drop volley. 15-love to Helen._ "I suppose not."

"So how was Kate to know you were committed?"

Caroline wriggled in the chair again. "By the way I was with her."

"You mean in private?"

Caroline flashed blue ice her way. "Yes." Clipped. No entry sign clicked into place.

Helen ignored the sign. Walked straight past. "And how was that? How was your private relationship?"

Caroline gathered up her used tissues, got up from her chair and took them to the waste paper bin. Placed them in neatly, before turning back and sitting back down primly. She crossed her ankles.

Helen looked at her patiently. Waiting.

Caroline looked back to the painting. Suddenly the green reminded her of Kate. Lush, fecund, vital. _And I'm the blue. Of course I am. God._ Without realising she was speaking, she said, "Being with Kate was like the first day of summer. Like lying in lush grass, looking up at the sun in the bluest sky. She surrounded me with her gentleness. Bathed me with her smile." She paused whilst clearly remembering and then continued, "Being with Kate was like the softest, quietest revolution in my life, delivered with care and the greatest affection." For the first time since speaking, Caroline looked at Helen.

"It sounds wonderful", Helen said.

"It was", Caroline said quietly.

"So how does it compare to other relationships you've had?"

Caroline took a shaky breath. "It doesn't. Apart from...", she tailed off.

"Apart from?", Helen prompted gently.

"Apart from the way I treated her."

"Which was?"

"Not like she deserved. I should've...I should've been braver." She looked at Helen ashamedly, "I've been such a coward."

"How Caroline? What did you do?" Kind eyes, gentle questioning.

"I took her away for the weekend."

"Well, that's nice, isn't it?"

Caroline raised her eyes heavenwards, "It might've been...if I hadn't booked separate rooms."

"I see. Why did you feel like you couldn't book a double room?"

"I...I don't know. I was just...scared. Not ready to acknowledge to the outside world that I'm...different I suppose."

"So, how are you different?"

Caroline looked at her like she was a fool. "I was in a same sex relationship." Snippy.

"Right. And is that...very different these days?"

Caroline sighed, "I'm a head teacher, Helen. I am the face of Sulgrave Heath. I'm in charge of more than 850 pupils. I can't be seen to be having a relationship that's outside the norm! And with a teacher too!" Righteous.

"Right. So, who might disapprove of your relationship?"

"The Board of Governors for a start." Stating the obvious.

"Don't you have protection from discrimination these days?"

"It's not that simple." Dismissive.

"Isn't it?"

Caroline shot her a look and then there was silence for a few moments. Helen then asked, "Are your parents still alive, Caroline?"

Caroline looked surprised by the question. "My mother is. Why?"

"Did she know about your relationship with Kate?"

"Yes." Minimal information. Just the basics.

"And was she supportive?"

"Not really."

"Do you know why?"

"She thought...I was...making a fool of myself. That Kate was...playing me...to further her career."

"From what you've told me about Kate, it doesn't sound like that was her motivation."

"It wasn't. She's a very genuine person."

"Were you angry when your mother said that?"

"Of course I was. I was upset that..." Tailed off. Didn't want to go there.

"What were you upset at?"

_Bloody marvellous. I should've known she wouldn't miss that._ A deep breath. "I was upset that she thought...Kate couldn't like me just for me...that there had to be another reason." Looked at the waste paper bin again. _Didn't the bloody woman ever empty it?!_

"Do you think you're worthy of being loved for just you?" Quiet, even tone.

A piercing. An incision. A sharp breath. No words.

"Caroline?" Quiet insistence.

"Probably not." A small voice. Not hers. A voice from the past.

"Why not?"

_Leave it now. This is hurting. I don't want to go there._ "Because I'm...useless. I fuck things up. I hurt people. I push them away." A sob. Feeling like it'd been ripped out of her. She uncrossed her ankles, put her feet flat on the floor and slumped forward, elbows on legs, head in her hands. Desolate.

"Who have you pushed away?"

Sobbing openly now. Grabbed a tissue, then another without looking up. Breath coming in short gasps. "Kate. John, probably. Deborah, definitely. My dad."

"That's a lot to blame yourself for, Caroline."

"Yes, well...I'm the common denominator." More sobs. "I think...I think...I might be...poisonous to people."

"I think that's unlikely, Caroline. I'm not sure you have that power."

She looked up at that. "Maybe you just don't know me very well." Challenging. Wanting to be blamed.

"Maybe." A deliberate pause. "Or maybe you don't know yourself well enough yet."

A shocked look. "I'm 46, with a degree and a doctorate. You'd think I'd know myself well enough by now." Slightly haughty in between the residual sobs.

"Age and education don't just give you a golden key to self understanding, you know." Said kindly.

"Then I'm truly fucked, aren't I? A lost cause." Disconsolate. Resigned.

"I don't think so Caroline. Not at all."

Caroline looked out the window at the tree. Not convinced. Watched the leaves gently ripple in the breeze. _They had no choice either...just move where the wind tells them to._

"I think you're putting a lot on yourself right now because you're in pain from losing Kate. But we can talk more about that next time. In the meantime I want you to think more about control and particularly what makes you feel in control...and then what makes you feel out of control."

Caroline turned to look at Helen. "Right." Dully.

"You've taken a big step today, Caroline, in coming here. That was in your control. And I know you don't feel it yet, but you will." She looked at Caroline kindly. Smiled gently at her. Encouraging. "Now. Is this time next week good for you?"

Caroline nodded, "I suppose so." She scoffed gently, "It's not like I'm doing anything else, is it?"

"Me neither." An encouraging smile. "So, I'll see you next week then."

Caroline nodded and got up. Put the tissues in her waste paper basket. Balancing precariously on top of the rest. _Bloody hell, how does she put up with people just crying on her all day?! Either way she needs to empty that bloody thing!_

"Thanks." Polite. The right thing to do. Just as her mum had taught her. She walked out feeling as precarious as the tissues on the top of the bin. As out of control as the leaves on the trees.

The green and blue of the painting stayed with her.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you so much for all your kind comments about the first chapter. I hope you think this one works a_s_ well.

* * *

"You_ want what's best for you all the time."_

"Nice to see you again, Caroline. How have you been this last week?"

Caroline walked into the room. "_Fabulous._" A recalcitrant teenager. She took off her jacket, draping it over the back of the chair and then she sat down heavily, readjusting a little as she'd forgotten she was still wearing her work 'uniform' of straight skirt and fabulous heels.

Helen settled herself in the chair opposite. "So, Caroline...hopefully you remember that I asked you to think about control at the end of our last session...and what that means to you."

Caroline swallowed a sigh. "Yes, I remember."

"Ok, so...I'm assuming that as a headmistress, you're normally in control at work". Helen looked questioningly at Caroline, trying to engage her.

Caroline nodded. "Normally." Giving nothing away. Determined not to break down like last time.

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Fine." _Stupid bloody question._

Helen paused, studying Caroline. Her expression, her posture. "Ok...so what makes you feel out of control."

"Lots of things. Just like anyone."

"Give me an example."

"Oh, you know...war, famine, government stupidity." Caroline pushed her hips back a little in the chair. Stretched her legs. Examined her shoes.

"Yes, I'm sure. But I was thinking about something that's maybe more personal to you."

Caroline looked at Helen steadily. Firm jaw. "Can't think of anything offhand."

Helen retained eye contact, saying nothing. A silence. Caroline swallowed. "The boys can be...trying from time to time...but that's teenagers for you." Filling the gap.

"Right." Quiet, even tone but determined nonetheless. "We talked a lot about Kate last time. What was it about your relationship with Kate that made you feel out of control?"

Caroline blinked. Not expecting that. The room reeled a little. She opened her mouth to speak. No sound came out. Her eyes were drawn to the abstract painting on the wall behind Helen. Blue and green. Today some of the green seemed to bleed out of the blue. Seeping out, making itself known.

She turned back to meet Helen's eyes. "The uncertainty and sometimes overwhelming emotion." _Did I just say that?_ Caroline looked startled at her own admission.

Helen nodded almost imperceptibly. "Ok. Let's take those two things separately. Where did the uncertainty come from?"

Caroline swallowed. "Partly because it was new...different. Being with Kate wasn't like being with John. It felt more...equal I suppose and that...unnerved me a bit. I wasn't used to not being the dominant party."

"What did you do about that?"

Caroline looked thoughtful. "I suppose...I vacillated between enjoying the newness of it and trying to slip into my more comfortable role." Honest. Open.

"And how did that play out?"

"Kate was...very indulgent generally. I suppose she wanted to make me happy." She paused, thinking. "But occasionally she asserted her...point of view." She swallowed, a lump having come to her throat. "Gently though...mostly she was very gentle."

"Was she ever not gentle?" A quiet enquiry.

Caroline's breath caught in her throat. She waited a few moments before answering in a strained voice, "When she...dumped me."

"That must've been a shock to the system. As well as being painful."

"Yes." Looking at the floor. Wanting to feel grounded.

"What did she say, Caroline...that made you feel most uncertain?"

A choked breath. Memories flooding her head, drowning in her eyes. Still looking at the floor. The one pocket of air down there. Couldn't risk looking up at another human being. "She said...that our relationship had...never really started."

"Why do you think she said that?"

Caroline looked up. Met Helen's gentle gaze. _Big mistake._ Started to cry. "I don't know."

Helen paused. Tried a different route. "Ok...why did that specifically upset you and make you feel uncertain?"

Caroline's head bobbed up in surprise, "Because I thought we had something special. I thought she felt...the same way as me. She said that it'd just been..." Her astonishment faded away as she put the brakes on her runaway words.

"It'd just been what?"

_Marvellous. Note to self. Don't leave yourself open..._A shaky sigh. _No way around this now._ Words like razors over her tongue...over her soul. Spoken carefully as if to avoid the emotion of them. "She said that it'd just been a bit of an odd mess...a couple of embarrassed fumbles." Caroline sagged slightly at the middle as if she'd experienced a blow. A pain.

"How did that make you feel?"

"Oh just bloody _wonderful_!" A shaky voice but retreating to sarcasm where it was safe.

"I didn't mean my question to sound glib, Caroline. I realise that those words would've been difficult to hear but I want to understand the emotions that came out of that for you." Helen didn't parry, didn't sound defensive; she just explained her motives clearly and calmly.

"Sorry." Genuinely contrite. She met Helen's eyes and found nothing but kindness and understanding there. Wiped an elegant finger conspicuously over an eye where a rogue tear was still to be found. Helen waited patiently.

A deep breath. Preparation for what was to come. Poised on the blocks for the start. "Ok...well...I was shocked firstly...that she could say something so...cruel. Kate was never cruel..._is_ never cruel. One of the things I l...like about her is her gentleness, her compassion. But what she said...it hit me...like a physical blow. We'd been together for...months then...been through quite a lot and...she knew..." A sob overtook her and she tried to stifle it but didn't quite manage it. "...she _knew_ what I felt and what our relationship meant to me."

"How did she know? Did you tell her?"

"Not in...so many words but...she knew for instance that I didn't do casual. That for me to start a relationship..._any_ relationship, not least one with another woman...was a big thing." Caroline looked at Helen, righteousness clear in her expression. Her voice softened however as she continued, "She knew that sex for me is an expression of trust and intimacy and...commitment...and I thought it had been...but in saying...what she said...it was like all that had been thrown back in my face." Tears were now streaming down her face, seemingly without her knowing it. "I felt betrayed. Worthless. Stupid." She leaned over and took two tissues, using them to stem the flow of tears.

Helen allowed Caroline a little time to catch her breath and wipe her tears before she said, "So, do you think that Kate would've got all that...through your lovemaking...through how you were together?"

With the prompt of Helen's question, Caroline allowed herself to remember.

_Kate straddling her hips in bed, playfully pinning her wrists on the pillow above her head. Telling her that she was in charge now. Telling her what she intended to do to her. Caroline laughing, allowing herself to 'submit'. _

Another time:

_Kate holding her as she reached orgasm. Weeping at the power of it, the overwhelming emotion. Kate kissing her tears, whispering to her that she knew, she understood and that it was ok because she felt the same._

The quietest of responses. "I thought she had. I really did."

"Did you ever talk about your feelings with her?"

Caroline looked startled. A rabbit in the headlights. "No." A small voice.

"So why do you think she said what she said to you, bearing in mind the connection you thought you'd had?"

Caroline gazed at Helen thoughtfully, the sadness apparent in her eyes. Blue like the ocean. Lost and yet found. "Either I'm wrong...about that connection...or she really wanted to hurt me...and she found the thing that would work."

"If you had talked about those emotions...your connection...do you think that would've changed things?"

Caroline looked...dismayed. "I think it would've just made it more painful. I'd've been more...exposed surely."

"Hmmm..." Helen outwardly considered what Caroline had said, "...do you think there's a difference between emotional exposure and emotional clarity?"

Caroline was quiet for quite some time but it was clear she was thinking. Her eyes flickered around the room but never settled anywhere. Eventually she said, "I suppose the difference is...communication."

Helen nodded but didn't say anything. Let the thought settle in the room. Not afraid of the silence. After a minute she asked, "So, when we spoke last week, you said you'd felt you'd pushed Kate - amongst others - away. How do you think you did that?"

Caroline looked from Helen to the painting behind her. The blue seemed very far away and overwhelmed by the green. She spoke hesitantly, "Well, apart from my cowardice...I think I...underestimated her need to be a mother. And my selfishness and cowardice raised their ugly heads there too."

"How so?"

Caroline took a breath as she turned her gaze to Helen again. She chewed her bottom lip before starting to speak. "It didn't help that Kate wanted to sleep with an ex of hers in order to get pregnant. I couldn't get my head around that...despite her trying to reassure me that it was the best chance of her getting pregnant and that it was just a...means to an end."

"Did you talk to Kate about that...tell her how you felt?"

Caroline chewed her lip again. Seemingly to try to stop herself crying. "To a certain extent I did." Helen raised her eyes questioningly. "When she first mentioned it, I was really shocked. In my head I was screaming 'no' but I didn't say anything."

"Why not?"

"I don't know."

Helen looked at her, like she was trying to see inside her head. Her gaze raking Caroline's face. Eventually she said, "Did you talk about it again?"

"Yes." A pause. "Right after I told her about the weekend away." Caroline chewed her lip again thoughtfully. "She thought it was a great idea for Greg - her ex - to meet us at the hotel we were going to be staying at. I told her that I was having problems processing her plan to sleep with him. She insisted it would give her the best chance of getting pregnant."

"What did you mean when you told Kate you were having problems processing it?"

Caroline's lip trembled. She drew a shaky breath. "I hated the thought of her sleeping with him. _Hated_ it." She started to cry again. "I mean...I don't think I'm being possessive..but she was my..._girlfriend_. We slept together...made love to each other...and to think of someone else..._touching_ her...", she choked on a sob, "...it made me feel..._desperate_."

"But you didn't tell her that?"

Caroline shook her head, her breath coming in short gasps.

"Why?"

"I felt...out of control." A small voice. Lost. Out of her depth.

A pause. Then, "How did you feel about Kate wanting a child generally?"

A sharp intake of breath. A residual sob. "I wasn't that keen."

"Why?"

Another small sob. "I suppose if I'm honest, I couldn't imagine starting again at 46...when the boys are almost grown up. And I was worried about Kate. She'd been pregnant before...four times...and had lost them. I knew she'd be...devastated...if it happened again." She looked at Helen in dismay. "I tried to dissuade her but I can't believe she was determined to put herself through that again!"

"Do you think that trying to dissuade her was the right thing to do?"

Caroline's mouth moved as if she was chewing the inside of her cheek. Then, a small voice, "No." She looked at Helen agitatedly, "I'm not stupid Helen, I realise that what I should've done is to talk to her properly about how scared I was for her and how much I didn't want her to...do it...the way she was intending to." She paused, looking like she had a bad taste in her mouth and then continued, "I also wish we'd had chance to talk more about what we wanted from the future. God Helen, it was all so..._rushed_. And I think that was my fault too." She looked at her sadly.

"Why do you think that was your fault?"

Caroline took a big breath and then rushed out, "Because I thought I was going to lose the house and I asked Kate to sell hers and move in with me...and then she told me that if we were going to commit to the relationship properly, she wanted a baby."

"Wow, those were some big conversations. How did they go?"

Caroline looked sheepish. "Well actually...we had a conversation about it one morning while I was walking to Assembly."

"Just the one..._short_ conversation then?" Helen raised her eyebrows.

Caroline squirmed a little in the chair. "Pretty much. Although we did then talk that lunchtime about her wish to have a baby and how that might...happen."

Helen looked intrigued. "So all this was prompted by you being worried about losing your house?"

"Yes."

"Would you have asked Kate about moving in with you at that point if you hadn't been worried about losing the house?"

Caroline exhaled a big puff of air. "I told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her...and that wasn't a lie." Indignant.

"But would you have asked her _then_, if it hadn't been for the house worry?" Insistent.

Caroline looked down at her shoes. "Probably not right then, no." Honest, despite it feeling uncomfortable. She looked up, "But I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. I mean...I did." She bit her lip again. Swallowed hard.

Helen was quiet for a moment and then she asked, "Did you feel out of control when you felt like you were going to lose the house?"

Caroline looked uncomfortable and moved her gaze to Helen's desk. "Yes."

"So how did you feel when Kate told you if she were to commit to that, she wanted to have a baby?"

Caroline's eyes were drawn again to the painting on the wall. The blue seemed cold. Forbidding. Her throat started to feel constricted. "Panicky." Tight voice.

"What do you normally do when you feel out of control?" A quiet voice. Calm.

The green in the painting seemed garish all of a sudden. She felt sick. Deep breaths. "I think...I think...I probably don't deal with it very well."

"What do you mean, Caroline?" Kind, gentle. _Like Kate._

A shuddery breath. "I was thinking about this after...after you mentioned it last week. I think I either get really angry and lash out or I take control, riding roughshod over people, or I...go to pieces." She turned sad eyes to Helen. A confession.

"But you didn't do any of those things with Kate." A statement, not a question.

The green and the blue started to merge into one another behind Caroline's tear-filled eyes. She sniffed. "No." A shaky voice. "I didn't know what to do. My relationship with Kate didn't...feel like any other I'd known. I felt...adrift."

"Have you ever felt like that before, Caroline?" Gentle momentum.

Caroline looked at her sightlessly. Helplessly. A small voice. From a long time ago. "When I was a child. When my parents argued."

"I can see that when you were a child you were powerless, Caroline...but why did you feel powerless with Kate?"

Caroline slumped forward, her head in her hands and she started to sob. Her breath coming in heaving gasps. Tears splashed onto the floor in front of her, disappearing into the dark blue carpet, just like other people's tears before them. They left no mark. After a few minutes she looked up into Helen's eyes and she gasped, "Because...because...I _love_ her!"

Helen nodded almost imperceptibly. The room quivered and trembled.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you again for your very kind reviews. Caroline's conversations with Helen are still playing themselves out in my head, so here's the next instalment.

* * *

_"...I would've done absolutely anything for you."_

Caroline walked into Helen's office. She caught sight of her reflection in the window and acknowledged to herself that she looked...rough. _I feel bloody rough!_

"Hi Caroline, how are you?"

"Fine, thanks." Polite, if not truthful. She sat down in the worn leather chair.

Helen sat, as usual, in the chair opposite. "So, last time you said that being in love with Kate made you feel powerless. I'd like to talk a bit more about that today."

Caroline nodded, already feeling nervous about going down this route.

"Ok", Helen looked at Caroline closely. "Do you have any idea why that is?"

"Not really. Other than..." _Do I really want to go there?_

"Other than?"

_Shit! I'm more tired than I thought._ "Other than...the intensity of my feelings for...her."

Helen nodded. "Was how you felt about Kate, different to how you'd felt about other relationships?"

Caroline folded her hands carefully in her lap. A ploy as she could already feel, with the lack of sleep and just thinking about Kate, that her hands had started shaking. "Yes." Kept it short. Safe. Looked away, not willing to make eye contact with Helen.

"How was it different?" Gentle but nowhere to hide.

Caroline looked around the room. Her eyes fell upon a vase of flowers on Helen's desk. Sunflowers and purple snapdragons. A symphony of colour. It was too happy. Too joyous. Caroline turned away.

"It was...more...than I think I'd ever experienced with anyone else." She looked at the picture she'd now come to think of as 'blue and green emotion'. Feeling reassured by its presence today. "Not that there'd been much for me to compare it to but...", she tailed off feeling like she was rambling tiredly.

Helen looked at her kindly, "Tell me about the feelings you have to compare it to."

Caroline stifled a yawn then looked embarrassed. "Sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well."

"It's fine." She looked at Caroline, waiting for her to continue.

"Oh right. Well, there's John. My soon-to-be-ex-husband. We'd been married for almost twenty years." She tailed off, not knowing what to say about the relationship she'd been doing her best to leave behind.

"And how would you describe how you felt about John?"

"I take it you don't mean after he left me for a vulnerable mess of an alcoholic?" Caroline's jaw stiffened.

"No. I'm assuming you didn't feel very kindly toward him then." Helen spoke wryly. "How was your relationship at the start?"

Caroline exhaled audibly. "God, that's a long time ago! Well...I liked him. He was kind and quite...charismatic, attentive and amusing. We got on. He was supportive. We made a good team."

Helen nodded. "You didn't say anything about love or passion."

Caroline looked back at the picture. The blue looked lost today amongst the green. Trying to escape. Brushstroke by brushstroke. "I didn't, did I?" She looked back to Helen. "I did love him. I'm not sure I was _in_ love with him. But I did love him. As for passion...well, it was never earthmoving...but we did ok." It sounded lame even to her own ears.

Helen sat thoughtfully for a moment. "You mentioned another person in our first meeting. Deborah, wasn't it?"

Caroline swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. "Yes."

"Tell me about Deborah."

"She was...someone I met at university."

"Before John?"

"Yes. Before John."

A pause. Deliberate. Then, "Did you love her?"

A sharp intake of breath. A small voice. A word reluctantly drawn out of her. "Yes." Caroline moved her left hand from her lap to the arm of the chair. Her fingertips traced the scratches and cracks in the leather. Taking comfort from the wear marks.

"Was it like you loved John?"

"No." Head bowed.

"Tell me how you felt about Deborah."

"It was...all very new...with Deborah." She tailed off. Mouth still dry.

"Was it exciting then?"

"Yes. I suppose so. Scary too." Caroline looked at Helen for the first time since Deborah had been mentioned.

"Were you lovers?"

Caroline swallowed again, trying to conjure up some saliva from somewhere. "Yes."

"How did you feel about her?" Gentle.

"I was...in love with her. She made me feel...alive. Being with her was wonderful. She was kind and funny and loving and beautiful."

"What happened between you?"

Caroline looked away. Made the mistake of looking over at the flowers. The yellow and the purple mocked her. She looked away again. "I was a coward."

"How, Caroline?"

"I...I...couldn't be open about our relationship. About who I was. And then...then I told my mother and she...well, she wasn't very...receptive...and I just decided it was...easier to...to...not defy convention."

"So, you ended the relationship with Deborah?" Asked gently.

Caroline looked ashamed. "Yes."

"That must've been hard."

"Probably. I can't really remember. I think I just shut down. Retreated." A pause, then, "I'm not proud of myself." Caroline sounded defeated.

Helen looked thoughtful before asking, "Were you attracted to other women over the years?"

Caroline looked back at the painting. Noticed a part where the brushstrokes seemed more dense. More defined. The green rearing defiantly out of the blue. A quiet voice. "Occasionally. Fleetingly. I was married though. I took that seriously. So by the time Kate came along I'd almost forgotten about...that side of myself."

"You said in our first meeting, that your mother wasn't awfully supportive of your relationship with Kate. Did you feel any correlation between that and when you'd told her about Deborah?"

"Yes." Caroline looked Helen in the eye. Serious blue meeting sincere hazel. "I did. And even though I knew she'd remembered, she made it seem like it was all new information about me."

"It sounds like you were different this time though."

"I suppose I was, yes. I wasn't going to let her disapproval ruin this relationship." The slightest hint of pride. She allowed herself a look at the sunflowers. Their yellow faces beautiful with the hope of summer.

Helen left a moment's silence before she asked quietly, "So why do you think, when you were determined not to let your mother's disapproval affect your relationship with Kate, that you allowed an assumed feeling of society's disapproval to affect you?"

Caroline's head snapped around in shock to look at Helen. Expected to see a sneering face but only saw openness. No judgement. The breath caught in her throat as if she stood in a gale on the top of the Dales. The biting retort crumbled to ashes in her mouth. There was a long pause and then Caroline dropped her gaze to the floor and she mumbled, "I suppose society's disapproval is all-pervasive."

"Do _you_ disapprove of gay relationships, Caroline?" A bolt out of the blue.

Caroline looked up again, a shocked expression on her tired face. "No! Of course I don't!"

"Do you think Kate felt that you did?"

Caroline swallowed the lump that had just appeared in her throat at the mention of Kate's name. She felt tired and tearful. "I think she felt that I was scared...which I was." She started to cry.

"Might she not also have felt that you were ashamed of her?"

A sharp intake of breath. "Oh god!" Through sobs now. "I could _never_ be ashamed of Kate!"

"I'm not saying you were, Caroline. But do you think that Kate might have felt you were?" Gentle. Always gentle.

Sobbing. Looking at Helen through a veil of tears, desolately. "She might have. Oh god! How could I be so bloody..._careless_?!"

"Caroline. Caroline." Helen leaned forward, her elbows on her legs, looking concerned. "You can't blame yourself. You just need to think about how your actions, without explanation, might've seemed. That's all."

Helen's concern just made Caroline sob harder. She grabbed at a couple of tissues and buried her face in her hands.

Helen allowed Caroline some time to cry, then in order to bring her back to the conversation she asked, "Caroline, do you identify as lesbian?"

Caroline looked up slowly. Sniffed. Small sob. "I don't think a label is necessary to allow you to take control of your identity." Well rehearsed. More than slightly snippy.

Helen nodded, "I see." Paused for a beat, then, "How does Kate identify?"

A tiny smile passed over Caroline's face like a cloud. _She may seem innocuous but this woman is sneaky. She'd make a good teacher. Like Kate._ A residual sob that took her by surprise. "Kate isn't 'in your face' about her sexuality."

"What do you mean by that?"

A breath. "Kate is...subtle...understated. She's not what you might call 'hard-line'. You wouldn't necessarily know she was a lesbian."

"But she does identify as a lesbian?" Insistent.

A swallowed sigh. "Yes."

"By 'hard line', do you mean more masculine looking?"

"Yes, I suppose so." Precise. Clipped.

"Have you known any lesbians like that?"

"There were a fair few at university." Dismissive.

"Did you and Deborah socialise with other lesbians at university?"

"No."

A pause. Caroline looked away from Helen's enquiring gaze. Looked to the painting again. Blue, green. _Was there actually any difference?_

"Caroline, did you feel like your mother understood the way you felt about Deborah...or Kate?"

Caroline looked back to Helen, feeling safer. "Not at all."

"Do you think anyone did?"

Caroline looked a little thrown by the question. "What do you mean?"

Helen looked at her kindly. "You said earlier that what you felt about Deborah was very new and what you felt about Kate was more intense and unlike anything you'd ever felt before." Caroline nodded. "Being in love can be a very empowering feeling. Especially if other people are happy for you." Caroline swallowed hard and tucked her hands between her knees. "Did you experience anyone being happy for you?"

A shaky voice. Unsure. "Not with Deborah, no. I didn't really let anyone in." Hands fidgeting even though they were tightly wedged. "With Kate...", her voice broke a little on the name, "...yes, there were a couple of people who seemed happy for me." Helen looked at her enquiringly, not needing to ask the question. "My eldest son, William. He was very supportive right from the start. Very sweet. And then my...well, my mother's...husband's daughter...Gillian. She was very...nice about our relationship."

"So Gillian was accepting of your relationship?"

A pause. "Yes. Yes, she was. She talked about Kate and I like it was any other relationship. We had a conversation once...", she smiled faintly, "...where I was saying that I felt people were watching us and she said I should just...fu...forget everyone else...that they didn't matter."

"How did that conversation make you feel?"

"Good. Like our relationship was normal. Like it mattered as much as anyone else's."

"Was that feeling unusual then...when you were with Kate?"

"Yes. Apart from...when it was just the two of us. Then it felt...incredibly right and normal and...", she drifted off, clearly thinking. Her eyes alighted on the painting again. Always drawn there for some reason. "...yes, I suppose I did feel empowered then."

"In what ways did you feel empowered?"

"Ummmm...well...I suppose I just felt that our relationship was generally a very calming place to be. Kate is very calm...a very stabilising element in my life I suppose. When we were together I felt very...centred. Like I was home." Her face crumpled as she remembered and she looked away again, trying to compose herself. She took a couple of deep breaths and visibly pulled herself together.

"Did you feel in control at those times?"

"I think I felt...like I didn't need to be in control. Like I could...just..._be_. Does that make sense?"

Helen nodded. "Yes." A pause to allow that feeling to sink in. Then, "Did you feel similarly empowered sexually?"

Caroline flushed delicately. "Yes. It was...very equal but also...I felt like the...power balance between us...in bed could easily switch and that we were both comfortable with that." She paused. "I hadn't really had that before and combined with the fact that there's no...obvious aim, like there is with straight sex – not that I'm an authority on that either...", she scoffed at herself, "...it felt quite...revolutionary really. And yes, definitely empowering."

"So it was only when the outside world got in the way that your relationship had problems?"

Caroline nodded sadly, "Yes, I suppose so."

There was another pause. Although not an uncomfortable one. Then Helen continued, "You said earlier that you'd almost forgotten 'that side of yourself' when Kate came along." Caroline nodded. "You also said that you didn't need a label to take control of your identity." Caroline nodded again but clearly more wary now. Waiting for the question to pounce on her. Helen paused for a beat. "How do those two things align for you?"

Caroline paused for a moment. "Do they have to align?" Playing for time.

"Yes, I'd say so." Not fooled. "If there's a clearly identified 'side of yourself' that is attracted to women, then surely your identity is to some extent 'labelled'?

_Bloody hell! I'm not alert enough for this...quiet stealth today! _Caroline's left hand traced the lines in the worn leather of the chair in which she was sitting. Trying to find a path to...enlightenment. She looked up hopefully. "Isn't sexuality fluid?" _Thank god for that conversation with Kate some several months ago!_

"Yes, I think that it can be." She smiled kindly, "I'm not trying to catch you out, Caroline, I just want you to think about your own sexual identity based on the fact that your relationship with Kate seems to have broken down due to your inability to be more accepting of it openly."

Caroline sighed heavily. "I realise that I have been...somewhat disingenuous regarding my relationship with Kate...but I've paid a very heavy price for that."

"This isn't about punishment, Caroline. You came to me because you felt that your relationship with Kate had gone very wrong and you wanted to understand why. This process is hopefully going to help with that understanding. It's not an absolute though. Not a quick fix. And essentially it relies on you doing a lot of work...a lot of thought and emotional honesty."

Caroline looked a little chastened. "Yes, I realise that." She swallowed, "And to return to your question, I suppose you're right...it's not like my relationship with Kate was my first with a woman, so either my sexuality is indeed fluid or I am at the least, bisexual." Mining the depths to find the honest response she owed herself. Her right hand started to tremble and she placed it on her thigh.

"And how do you feel about that label?"

Caroline exhaled heavily and rolled her eyes as she said, "As in, 'my name's Caroline Elliot and I'm bisexual'?"

Helen smiled at Caroline's playfulness, despite her pain, "I suppose so. But more about how it feels for you emotionally to identify that way."

Caroline folded her arms. "I don't really know. That's the first time I've ever said anything...like that...out loud."

"Did you ever discuss your sexuality...or sexual identity with Kate?" Helen looked directly at Caroline. Seeking out eye contact.

"Yes. It was in quite general terms but...looking back now, I think it's obvious she was pushing me to talk about our relationship in those terms."

Helen nodded, seemingly pleased that Caroline had identified that herself. "Do you remember what you told her?"

"I think I was quite dismissive and I told her all that mattered was that we were together and that me labelling myself just to please her wasn't going to gain anything." She winced as she said this last part and her crossed arms hugged herself a little seemingly of their own volition.

"Why do you think it was important to Kate?"

Caroline uncrossed her arms and went to clasp her hands together instead but her emotional state was betrayed by how badly they shook. She tucked them in between her knees instead. "I think she probably...", her voice broke and she cleared her throat to try and regain control, "...wanted to be sure I wasn't just...experimenting. That I wouldn't change my mind about wanting to be with her." A tear rolled down her cheek and she raised a shaking hand to wipe it away. She looked pitifully at Helen as more tears escaped. "I would never have changed my mind. _Never_. How could I? She was..._is_ perfect. She's what I want..._who_ I want. And you know what...if that makes me a lesbian, then so be it!

Helen nodded and a ghost of a smile passed over her face.


	4. Chapter 4

_"I don't need your blessing...not any more.."_

Caroline walked wearily into Helen's office clutching a bottle of water. Her face looked drawn and despite her careful application of make up, her eyes were red and slightly swollen.

Helen looked at her concernedly, "Are you ok, Caroline?"

Caroline slumped into the chair, "Not really." Her voice seemed a little hoarse. She put the water on the table in front of her and distractedly wiped the palm of her hand on her denim clad thigh.

"Has something happened?"

"Just another reminder of what a bloody awful mess I've made of my life." Caroline looked desolate as her gaze wandered around the room, seemingly doing her best not to make eye contact with Helen.

"What do you mean?"

Caroline made the mistake of catching Helen's eye. "Oh god Helen, I've been such an _idiot_! And now I...I've got to...watch...oh god!" At that she broke down into heart rending sobs. Helen proffered the tissues and just allowed her to weep.

After some time, when Caroline's sobs had faded to shuddering breaths, Helen uttered a quiet, "Do you want to tell me what's happened, Caroline?"

Caroline looked up into Helen's gentle gaze and nodded. She drew an uneven breath. "Kate came to see me today." Helen nodded in acknowledgment. "She's...", another breath, "...she's...pregnant."

"I see." Gentle understatement. "Clearly you're upset by that...but can you tell me a little more about what you're feeling?"

Caroline reached for her bottle of water and took a swig before placing it back on the table. She looked at Helen, her expression, distraught. "I've been either crying...or trying not to cry all afternoon." Another dry sob. "Jesus, Helen, it's really...knocked me off my feet. I just wasn't...prepared for this at all."

"Did she come to see you in your professional capacity?"

Caroline nodded and scoffed gently. "Ha, professional! I just about managed to hold it together while she was in my office."

"Tell me why it made you so upset."

"I've been trying to think about that...in between crying." Helen smiled almost imperceptibly at Caroline's admittance of trying to understand her own reaction. "She came in, sat down and just...came out with it. I was so blown away. It felt like...she'd hit me in the stomach. All the breath left me and I wanted to cry. How the hell I stopped myself, I don't know. I just concentrated on being...the bloody headmistress."

"Try to explain a bit more about what you were feeling, Caroline." A gentle entreaty.

Caroline drew a deep breath. "Ok." She picked up the bottle again and took another sip of water. "When she...after that weekend...told me that her and Greg had..." She tailed off, unable to say the words. "Well...I...just...didn't want to think about them together. _Him_...touching her." She took another sip of water to try to help her get herself under control and then looked up at Helen. "I obviously did think about whether she...Kate...might be pregnant...after that...but it's not like I could ask her." She rolled her eyes.

"Did it play on your mind?"

"A bit, yes. I kept an eye on her...as much as I could but then school closed for the summer, so I didn't have an excuse to...just be in the vicinity." Caroline looked away. Sought the safety of the green and blue painting. She felt like the colours could allow her to breath. Like they were the chlorophyll to her plant. She started talking again. As if to nobody in particular. "Apart from just wanting to see her...just for me...I wanted to know she was ok. I was worried about her being on her own...in case something happened. I just felt so...impotent...all summer. Probably part of the reason I've had such difficulty sleeping."

"So based on that, tell me how you _felt_ when Kate told you she was pregnant." Not being diverted from the road she wanted Caroline to take.

"It's difficult..."

"What do you mean, Caroline?"

"It's difficult for me to explain."

"Why?"

Caroline huffed frustratedly, "Because...I'm bloody _useless_ that's why!"

Helen didn't respond. She just looked steadily at Caroline. Not being drawn into her outburst.

"Just try to explain what you felt, Caroline." Calm. Quiet.

Caroline started to cry. "It's just so...everything's so...mixed up."

"Take your time."

Caroline gulped at the water almost desperately and then turned her gaze upon the painting. Centred herself in its primary colours of the sea. Let it bathe her troubled mind.

She started to speak. Slowly, as if the words were her soul being dragged across gravel.

"She looked...beautiful. And scared too. She was talking about...if the rest of the pregnancy went without trouble...meaning as long as she didn't...miscarry...", her voice strangled as she tried to cope with the emotion, "...and she looked so _scared_, Helen." Caroline's eyes flicked back to Helen. "I wanted to hold her so badly. To comfort her. To make her feel...safe." She looked back at the painting as she swallowed hard. "I felt...impotent...inadequate..._useless_. Like I'd let her down all over again."

"How had you let her down?"

"She'd said...when we'd talked about it before...that she didn't want to do this on her own...but now she's having to...because of me." She looked at Helen, appalled.

"Wasn't it Kate's choice...after you'd split up...to get pregnant?"

Caroline winced visibly. "I suppose so." She looked back to the painting. The colours seemed cold. She shivered.

Helen didn't take her eyes off Caroline. "A while back you told me that one of the people you'd thought you pushed away was your dad." Caroline's head whipped around to look at Helen. "Tell me more about that."

"Oh. Well. I...when I was a child...my mum and dad...they rowed a lot. Turns out my dad had...affairs...which obviously upset my mum."

"How does that make you responsible for pushing him away?" Gentle questioning. _Like Kate._

"I think...I just felt that...if I'd been what he'd wanted...if I'd been enough...then he wouldn't have needed to...do that." A small voice. Uncertain.

"I expect that may have been what your mum felt, Caroline...but why did _you_ feel that?" Kind. Not judging.

Caroline looked up into Helen's soft, hazel eyes. She was quiet for a while as her eyes roamed over the brunette's face. Clearly thinking. Finally she said thoughtfully, "You're right. I'm sure that _is_ what mum felt." A pause, then, "When they'd row...eventually he'd storm out of the house. I used to find mum sitting there crying. I'd creep in and sit on her lap when I was little. I used to cuddle her and try to cheer her up. It became my...job I suppose. Chief comforter." She scoffed lightly before continuing more seriously, "Do you think I...took on my mother's feelings ..her...point of view?"

"I think that's possible." Helen spoke carefully. "You clearly felt like you needed to care for your mum...to make her feel better...and it wouldn't be unusual to feel an empathy in a situation like that." She paused. "So, can you tell me how you remember feeling when you saw your mum so upset?"

"Scared I suppose...and that I wanted to help her...but I couldn't...I didn't know how."

Helen looked at Caroline, waiting for her to make eye contact before she said, "Impotent? Inadequate? Useless?"

Caroline looked at her. Speechless as she realised that Helen had just repeated the words she'd used in relation to how she'd felt about Kate earlier that day. Her mouth moved without sound being emitted. In frustration she turned away to look out of the window. The tree's leaves in the rain, were an even darker green today. They shook themselves in pain at their confinement as their tears dripped down unhappily.

As Caroline stared out dolefully, she said, "I feel...bloody doomed. Like my life was already fucked up and there's nothing that can be done to...undo it." She turned to look at Helen. "I'm a...bloody _jinx_, Helen", she said disconsolately.

"No Caroline, you're not." Helen looked at her seriously.

"You've just clearly shown me that I repeat the disasters and the negative emotional patterns in my life!" Caroline looked at Helen astonished.

"That's not what I've shown you at all." Calmly expressed. "I merely showed you that the way you relate to the people you love being in pain is the same."

"So what in the hell am I supposed to learn from _that_?!" Angry now. Blue eyes flashing.

Not fazed. Not biting. "That you're a very caring person?"

Stifled intake of breath. "For all the..." an escaped sob, "...sodding good that does me." Her gaze roamed around the room as she tried to control herself.

"Caroline." Helen waited until Caroline looked at her. "Let's look a bit more at how you felt with Kate today."

Caroline shook her head. "I don't think I can."

"Why not?"

"It's too...", another sob, "...painful." Paused. Tried a diversionary tactic, "God Helen, don't you ever get tired of watching me cry?"

Helen smiled softly. "I'd rather you weren't in pain but I've learned there's only one way to get past it." She paused, seeking Caroline's eye contact and when she got it she said, "And that's to address, rather than avoid the issue." Said softly.

Caroline smiled through her tears in recognition of the fact she'd been rumbled. "Point taken."

Helen returned her smile. "Ok. You said you felt guilty and you wanted to comfort Kate. What else did you feel?"

Caroline took a deep, shaky breath. "The sharp pain of rejection...again." Stark fact. "And..." She tailed off, breaking eye contact again. Looked at the painting. Took refuge in the blues and greens. Tried to hide in its depths.

"And?" Nowhere to hide.

Another breath. "And love." Her voice got quieter. "And pain. And regret. And rage at the bloody _unfairness_ of it." She looked at Helen helplessly. Lost.

Helen nodded, "Ok..let's take that last one first. Tell me about the unfairness. What felt unfair?"

Caroline opened her mouth to speak then shut it again and shook her head ruefully. "This'll probably sound a bit...silly."

"Whatever you feel isn't silly, Caroline. All your feelings are valid."

Caroline held eye contact with Helen, her gaze raking the brunette's as if checking her veracity. Then she took another deep breath and said, "It felt unfair that despite how..._searing_ our physical connection had been...I wasn't able to make Kate pregnant."

She flushed and looked away. _God, why did I even go there?! How could anyone understand that? I'm not sure I even understand that. I sound like a bloody madwoman!_

"I see." Caroline looked at Helen briefly expecting to see scorn or pity in her expression, but saw nothing other than interest and kindness. "Did you feel that at the time?"

Caroline looked back at her, a little confused. "You mean at the time we were...making love?" She swallowed, feeling exposed.

Helen nodded. "Yes."

"Ummm...well...", she looked over Helen's shoulder again, at the painting. Trying to blend with the blue so that she didn't feel so exposed. "...yes, I did. I never told Kate that...it seemed like such a weird thing to be thinking...and this was before she'd told me she wanted a baby anyway." Her eyes flicked back to Helen. To make sure she was still...emotionally safe. She was.

"Tell me about that feeling, Caroline." Asked so gently. So carefully.

Caroline took a swig from her bottle of water and then followed that up with a gulp of air. Preparing to dive into unknown waters. Eyes still focused on the painting. On the blue. On the green. On the brushstrokes. On the energy. The movement.

"I remember it vividly." Caroline's voice was quiet but there was a depth of emotion to it that made it seem almost poetic. She could hear her own voice in her ears, from afar. A mermaid singing to her love underwater. "We had a whole day to ourselves. The boys had gone into town with friends and were meeting with mum and Alan later for pizza. Kate had taken me out for breakfast, we'd gone back to her place for lunch and...", she blushed, "...ended up in bed that afternoon." _After she'd ravished me in the kitchen and then dragged me on shaky legs upstairs_.

Caroline looked embarrassedly at Helen. She was listening calmly. No prejudice. No judgement. Surfaced for air. Swam back to the painting. Clung on to its rocks, its island in the storm.

"We were...making love and I was...watching her...her face...her eyes. She has...such beautiful eyes..." She tailed off, clearly remembering then seemed to shake herself as she cleared her throat and continued, "I was struck by how...intimate this act was...how...connected I felt to her. I felt like we were inside each other..", she blushed, "you know what I mean - figuratively, emotionally...like we were a part of each other...one entity." Caroline tried to blink away the tears that had formed, then when that didn't work, she wiped her eyes with her fingers, delicately. "I'd never felt that kind of connection before. It felt almost...spiritual. And as I watched her...climax..I cried with the emotion of it. So did she." Her voice broke and she struggled to retain control before eventually continuing, "I held her as she drifted off to sleep and as I watched her eyes flutter shut, I suddenly realised that a connection like that should, by rights, result in the creation of a new life. And that when I'd got pregnant with the boys, compared to that it'd just been sex. And I thought...", she lost her battle with her emotions and started sobbing, "...I thought...there was no justice in the universe if that didn't happen." Sobbing openly now but still trying to convey her emotions despite it. "I'm not delusional Helen...I've got a bloody science degree for god's sake!...but the strength of that moment...the intimacy of it...made me want to be able to create a life with Kate." She snatched some tissues before lowering her head, giving into the tears that overtook her.

Helen sat back in her chair, giving Caroline space to emote. To weep. Eventually after the sobs had subsided and she'd blown her nose, Helen said gently, "So, tell me where the pain and regret came from?"

Caroline looked up slowly, her face streaked with tears. Her voice was hoarse as she said, "From the same place...mostly."

"Mostly?"

Caroline drew a shuddery breath. "Kate is pregnant...by somebody else. Not by me. Not because of what we experienced between us...but because of some...probable one night stand." She winced as she said it. A skewer pierced, then left in her heart to corrode.

"And where else did the pain and regret come from, Caroline?" Soft. Gentle.

Caroline swallowed hard and anchored herself in the blue and the green against the swirling tide of emotion still engulfing her. A small voice in the storm. An exhausted voice in the maelstrom of passion. "I want the baby to be mine too."


	5. Chapter 5

_"You were doing it for all the wrong reasons anyway."_

"I thought about cancelling today." Caroline looked at Helen, almost challenging her from the chair opposite. Her body language screamed annoyance. Sitting stiffly. All ninety degree angles. An advert for perfect posture.

"Did you, why?" Calm.

"Because I don't really think I'm getting anywhere. I don't think this is for me." Blue eyes set against the warmth of hazel. Arms crossed. Defiant.

"Well that's your choice, Caroline." Even tone.

"I mean...what have I actually _gained_ in the weeks I've been seeing you?" Argumentative now. Wanting a fight.

"What do you think you might've gained?" No sign of being riled in any sense.

"Probably bloody nothing. Apart from a dependence on you. Coming here to spill my guts every week or so and paying you for the privilege." She looked away from Helen's soft, hazel eyes as she muttered, "Bloody pathetic."

"Why do you think you're pathetic, Caroline?" Same even tone.

Caroline swallowed and looked at the painting. _I don't want to go there today._ Tried to calm herself in the strong brushstrokes. Focus on the green. The blue.

Helen tried a different tack. "Do you think talking to me is a sign of weakness?"

Caroline continued to stare at the painting. Willing it to calm her. "I think it's a sign that my life is fucked-up and I'm not able to hold down any kind of normal relationship...so I pay you to replicate that."

Helen allowed a few moments of quiet to pervade the air before she asked, "How's your relationship now with...Gillian, isn't it?"

Caroline whipped her head around to look at Helen almost accusingly. "Why are you asking about Gillian?"

"Because you said that she was one of the only people who was understanding and supportive over your relationship with Kate...so I thought you might still be friends."

Caroline blanched a little. Tried to be blasé. "She's family now...kind of...so we see each other a bit...from time to time."

"Would you say you're friends?"

"Probably not." Still snippy.

"What's stopping you from being friends?"

"You trust somebody and they let you down." _Shit! Why did I just say that?_ She looked at Helen accusingly, as if she'd just made her say that.

"Has Gillian let you down?"

"There's time yet." Dismissive.

"Who else has let you down?"

Caroline looked back to the painting. "Well, John for one."

"Ah yes, your husband. How did John letting you down make you feel?"

"Oh just _great_." Slipped into sarcasm with ease, then looked back at Helen. Caught her kind gaze, immediately felt contrite. "Sorry." There was an awkward silence, then Caroline said, "I felt...betrayed I suppose...and like I was...worthless. Not worth consideration."

"Tell me more about where the feeling of worthlessness came from?"

Caroline looked out the window. The leaves on the tree were beginning to turn brown and fall. It made her think about endings. The breath caught in her throat and she turned it into a cough instead. She looked back at Helen. Waiting patiently. Pulled herself together.

"Well...there's the obvious feeling of rejection I suppose. He left me for another woman. I clearly wasn't good enough...as a wife...a lover...a partner."

"Do you think you weren't good enough?"

A big breath to settle herself. "I think I was a good wife." More deliberately, "I _know_ I was."

"Is that different to being a good lover and partner?"

A sharp intake of breath. "Probably." Intends this route to lead to a cul de sac.

Ignores the sign. Turns in anyway. "How is it different?"

Caroline sighed. "A lover doesn't have to deal with the running of the house and bringing up the children."

"And a partner?"

"It's difficult to be a partner when the person you're with has no inclination to be a partner alongside you." Dismissive.

"Did that lead you to be more...independent?" Careful. Precise.

"Yes." Eye contact made. Blue honesty. Underlying pain in those depths. Helen's eyes seemed more green in response. Clear. Kind. "I think we were just going through the motions really." Caroline looked away. "That's probably one of the reasons my attempted partnership with Kate turned out to be such a disaster." She looked back out of the window. Focused on a solitary leaf being toyed with by the breeze.

"Do you mean because you were too independent?"

Still looking at the tree. "Yes."

"In one of our previous sessions, you told me that your relationship with Kate had been pretty equal...but that you'd slipped into your more comfortable role from time to time. Do you think those times outweighed the times when you were more equal?"

Caroline looked at Helen, with a slightly stunned expression. "Bloody hell, you don't forget anything, do you?!"

Helen smiled back at her. "It's my job."

"You'd make a good teacher with a memory like that." Caroline smiled a little shyly at her. She was quiet for a while then as she searched her own memory. She looked at Helen but it was clear her mind was elsewhere. Eventually she said, "No. I actually think that generally we had a pretty good partnership. The problem, I suppose came, when I did mess up in that department."

"Tell me when you think those times were?"

"When I didn't talk to her properly about her intention to get pregnant...and when I was scared to book a double room for us." Caroline looked to the painting for reassurance.

"Is there a linking factor in those instances?"

Still hooked into the painting. Holding on. Following the green as it leapt out of the blue. "Yes. Me. And my inability to communicate...on an equal level...despite my feelings." She swallowed hard and then said quietly, "It's no bloody wonder Kate wouldn't give me another chance."

"Have you seen Kate recently then?"

Caroline smiled sadly, "No flies on you."

Helen didn't take her eyes from Caroline. "Tell me about it, Caroline." A quiet, gentle entreaty.

A big sigh. Dredging up memories she'd tried to drown. "I had a night out with Gillian at the weekend. We went to the hotel where I'd taken Kate...to research it for mum and Alan's wedding ceremony." She looked to Helen to explain. "Their first ceremony was just them in a registry office so they want to do it again...to celebrate properly."

"So how was the night out?"

A pause. "Ultimately, strange. But it started out well." Looked back to the window. The leaf was still clinging on despite the stiff breeze. "We had a nice lunch, a lovely day really. It was the...lightest I'd felt in a while. Gillian is a lot of fun to be with...she takes the mick out of me...makes me laugh. Anyway...", she seemed to shake herself a bit, "...we had a bit too much to drink, had to get a taxi back to hers...and I left my phone at the hotel...which, as it turned out, had...repercussions." She rolled her eyes, smiling grimly. "My useless husband had seemingly left Lawrence, my youngest in the squalor of his..._girlfriend's_ flat and they'd...buggered off out, despite the fact he was supposed to be spending time with his son." Her jaw tightened. "Lawrence tried to ring me...but of course couldn't get me because I'd left my phone in the hotel. Eventually he phoned his brother, who told him to phone Kate." She grimaced delicately, "The one reliable adult. Anyway, she was good enough to go and get him and take him to her house for the night."

"That was nice of her."

"Yes. She _is_ nice." Caroline took a deep breath. "And one of the grown-ups."

"Tell me about seeing Kate again."

Tears sprang to Caroline's eyes unbidden. "It was...oh, what's that Dickens' quote? Ah yes...", she tried to pull herself together by concentrating on facts, "...it was the best of times, it was the worst of times." She tried to smile at Helen confidently but the tears continued to force their way out of her eyes and her face started to crumple. She reached for a tissue and muttered, "Oh shit, I told myself I wasn't going to cry today."

"It's fine, Caroline. Really. Crying is allowed." Kind. Always kind.

"Just as bloody well", Caroline mumbled through her tears. "These days it's the one thing I do well."

"Take your time."

Caroline seemed to make a majestic effort to stop herself crying. She took a deep breath. "I went around to say thank you to her...for looking after Lawrence." She paused. "Well, actually...if I'm honest...I did have an ulterior motive...after the conversation I had with Gillian the previous evening." She stopped and as she saw Helen open her mouth to speak said, "Yes, I will tell you about it."

Helen smiled, "You're getting good at this."

"Hmmm...that's a matter of opinion", Caroline said sniffily but she smiled wanly nevertheless.

Helen looked at her openly. Waiting. Encouraging silently.

Caroline took another deep breath. "Gillian and I had...quite an in depth conversation when we got back to the farm. We told each other...well, probably much more than we would've, had it not been for the amount of alcohol we'd consumed. Anyway, she asked why Kate and I had split up...and I told her. She called me a knob...and I ended up telling her how...", her voice broke a little, "...precious I now realise my relationship with Kate had been." She cleared her throat. "This was set against Gillian telling me how...awful and abusive...her relationship with her husband had been." She looked back to the painting, wanting its colours to wash over her. To cleanse her. She closed her eyes. "It...rocked me...Gillian's story...how awful it had been for her...and I thought...I thought that a relationship as...beautiful as mine and Kate's had been...should be...given another chance. Or at least I should try again...to apologise and see if she'd forgive me." She opened her eyes and looked back at Helen. Blue pools of pain confronted warm, hazel absorption.

"What was it about Gillian's story that resonated with you and made you want to try again with Kate?"

"_Everything_ makes me want to try again with Kate", Caroline muttered sullenly.

"I realise that...but what specifically did Gillian say that made you decide to try?" Patient. Coaxing.

Caroline swallowed, "I'm not sure."

Helen looked at her kindly. "I think you are, Caroline."

Caroline's eyes were drawn back to the safety of the painting. Her voice was quiet, reticent, as she said, "It was because Gillian had clearly never told anyone...partly because she was ashamed."

"And why did that resonate with you?"

"Because...as you'd suggested to me before, Kate may well have felt I was ashamed of her...by the way I'd acted." Eyes fixed on the painting. Jaw set firmly. Staying in control. At all costs.

"Ok...so how did it go?"

Caroline scoffed. "Well she didn't fall into my arms."

Helen looked at her steadily. "Did you expect her to?"

"Probably not. But I'd hoped she might've given me another chance...to prove I'm not a total fuck-up." Quiet voice, just on the edge of tears. Teeth almost gritted with the effort of holding the emotion in.

"What did you say to her, Caroline?" Softly; like a cat nudging its kitten to its wobbly feet.

"I just...told her that my evening...my conversation with Gillian had made me realise how...special our relationship had been and that...", her voice, already strangled, broke and she started to cry. Despite this, she struggled to carry on, "...that if she was to give me another chance I'd try harder because I knew I'd...left a lot to be desired...before." She leaned forward and took a tissue, then another. Looked to the ceiling as she tried to regain control.

"How did she react to that?"

"She said...", looked back to the window as the tears threatened to overwhelm her. Gasped. Sobbed. "...all she said was...no...thank you." At that she leaned forward, head bowed and gave in to her sobs.

Helen allowed her time to sob, just sitting quietly observing. Finally, when she perceived Caroline's sobs might be subsiding, she said gently, "How did that make you feel?"

Caroline looked up tearfully. "Rejected. Slapped." She looked into Helen's eyes, pain etched in her face, "I mean..._no, thank you_?! I hadn't asked her to...come to the park with me! I'd asked her for another chance at a relationship! Bloody hell, I know she likes good manners but...that's taking the biscuit." She tailed off a little at the end; her annoyance giving way to pain again.

"Do you think it was just good manners that made her use that way of responding, Caroline?"

"I don't know." A knee jerk response.

Not good enough. "Think about it for a moment." A firm but soft hand on the small of her back, urging her forward.

Caroline looked to the painting again. Concentrated on the middle of the painting where the green seemed to leap out of the blue. Focused. Allowed the green to wash over her as it leapt. Her mind returned to a night at Kate's house. In Kate's bed.

_They'd just made love. Caroline's heart was still racing, her breathing still heavy. She lay, half sprawled over Kate, legs tangled, skin damp. Kate tenderly brushed Caroline's hair back off her face and kissed her temple. "God, Caroline, you drive me mad." She lifted her head and smiled. "You do, you know. Especially when you say 'please' to me. It's so...fucking sexy!" She'd growled and kissed Caroline again. Caroline had laughed in delight. _

At the time she remembered being a bit surprised by Kate swearing...but liking it all the same. Now she focused in on the 'please' part of that conversation. _No, that definitely wasn't what Helen was talking about! Or needed to know about!_ Her stomach flipped as she remembered how good things had been between them and then it lurched as she remembered how badly she'd screwed things up. She urged herself to remain in the present and looked back at Helen.

"Maybe she was acknowledging the fact that I'd been honest with her and that I'd laid myself a bit bare in front of her...but that she still couldn't trust me enough...or just didn't want to...try again."

Helen nodded. "Maybe so." There was a pause and then Helen asked, "You said your visit to Kate had been good as well as bad. What was the good?"

"Well, to be honest it was just really good to see her...to ask her how she is...not as her boss, you know?" Helen nodded. Caroline looked a little uncomfortable as she continued, "I asked her if she had a birthing partner yet...and then whether or not Greg was still on the scene...or if there was anyone else. I know it's none of my business...and I shouldn't have asked...but I just...I needed to know."

"Do I take it the answer to those questions was in the negative?"

"Yes." Caroline allowed herself the glimmer of a smile. "But she said that her mum would be her birthing partner 'if she needed someone'! I really hope she allows that to happen because she _will_ need someone...even though she doesn't realise that now."

"Did you tell her that?"

"I'm not stupid, Helen, I know it's not my place." She paused and smiled grimly as she said, "I wanted to though." Another pause. "I also wanted to tell her she looked beautiful. But I didn't do that either." She sighed.

"Caroline, at the beginning of this session you said that you felt if you trusted people they let you down. Do you think Kate has let you down?"

Caroline took a sharp breath. "No! Of course not."

"But you trusted her?"

"Yes." Caroline felt unsettled but wasn't sure why. She looked back to the painting for reassurance.

"Did Kate trust you?"

Caroline turned her head slowly back to Helen, knowing where she was being led. Decided to give in to the inevitable. "Yes. And I let her down." Throat tight but honest regardless.

"Why do you think she wasn't ready to trust you again?" Gently asked.

Caroline swallowed and clasped her hands together in her lap.

"Because she came to her senses probably." Muttered resentfully.

"What do you think she can't trust?" Soft repetition.

Caroline looked at the painting for escape. Blue on green, green on blue. She thought about the tree...about the leaves dying. She could hear herself breathing. "_Me_." Always me.

"_Can_ she trust you, Caroline?"

"Yes!"

"Does she know that?" Baby steps.

"I told her...that I'd try harder." Stumbling.

"How?"

"I'd do..._anything_ for her."

"How does she know that?"

There was silence for a while, then Caroline said quietly, "I know what you're saying."

"What am I saying?" Pushing her.

"That I should've been more specific with Kate. That I should've acknowledged what I'd done wrong and told her what I was going to do...or not do...in the future."

Helen was quiet. Caroline looked out of the window just in time to see the leaf released from the branch's tenuous hold and tossed up in the air by the playful breeze. She looked around to meet Helen's soft gaze. "Why do I find it so hard, Helen?"

"To communicate openly?" Caroline nodded. "It's the hardest thing there is, Caroline. It can make you vulnerable...to rejection...to being hurt."

Caroline nodded, somehow finding solace in Helen's unfettered words. No frills, no decoration, nowhere to hide. "It is. But I need to get better at it." Resolved.

Another comfortable silence, then Helen said, "Usual appointment in a fortnight?"

Caroline smiled softly, "Better had."


	6. Chapter 6

_"Do you think it's easy for anyone?"_

Caroline walked into Helen's office. "God, I _hate_ these dark evenings."

"Hello Caroline, how are you?" Helen smiled at the blonde headmistress kindly.

"Oh..yes...sorry, Helen..", she flushed a little, "I'm fine thanks, how are you?"

"I'm..well, thank you."

Caroline turned to walk to the chair she always sat in but stopped in surprise as she realised some of the furniture had been moved around. "Oh! You've...moved things."

"Yes. I decided a change was in order."

"Hmmmph.." Caroline emitted a sound of disapproval as she made her way to where the worn leather chair was now placed. She sat and automatically located the green and blue painting, looking to her left now, instead of straight ahead. As she saw it she felt herself settle. A small sailing boat tied securely to the pontoon.

Helen watched Caroline as she looked around the room. She waited until she saw her shoulders drop slightly and then she said, "I'd like to talk today about your identity...how you see yourself...how you think others see you and how you want others to see you."

Caroline looked at her slightly astonished, "Bloody hell, you don't want much, do you?!"

"I think it's do-able, Caroline. Or we can at least make a start."

"I suppose." Grudging acknowledgment.

"Ok, good." Walking past the hint of curmudgeon. "You said in an earlier session that if wanting to be with Kate made you a lesbian, then you were happy to identify that way. Is that still the case?"

Caroline swallowed, the thought of being with Kate, even in the abstract, making her feel off kilter. The little boat rocked with the wash from Helen's question.

"If I could be with Kate then I'd be happy to identify as a...", she searched her memory for something outlandish enough, "...a bloody _Liberal Democrat_!"

"That's not quite what I meant, Caroline." Kind. Always kind. "If you were with Kate would you identify as a lesbian?"

"Yes." Definite. "To do anything other would be to belittle how she identifies." Slightly smug.

"Right. So you'd identify that way, for Kate?"

"Yes."

"And how do you identify...for _you_?"

Caroline looked confused. "Do I need to identify as _anything_?

Helen maintained eye contact but waited just a beat before responding. "_Do_ you?"

Caroline returned her gaze for a couple of seconds before admitting quietly, "Ok...point taken." She flushed slightly and looked to her left to be reassured by the presence of the painting. After a few moments she started talking again, almost as if to herself. "Since I've...not been...with Kate...I've not really thought about my identity...who I am...what I am. It doesn't really...come onto my radar. I've felt...so _empty_ without her." She turned her head and looked at Helen somewhat disconsolately.

"So, ok...if you had to fill in a form now and it had a question that said 'what's your sexual identity?', what box would you tick?"

"Probably asexual."

"Really? You're not a sexual being at all?"

"Not right now, no." She looked past Helen's left shoulder, out of the window.

"So do you think you could go the rest of your life without having sex?"

Caroline turned her head to meet Helen's interested gaze. She paused for a moment before saying, "It's difficult...at the moment my...sex life is still so tied up in Kate...", her voice cracked a little as she said her name, "...I know...I _know_...that's in the past...and that I've had sex with other people...before her...but because she's the only one I want right now, it's hard to think of me having a sex life that doesn't involve her." She took a shaky breath seemingly to steady herself. "So in the abstract, could I go the rest of my life without having sex? I'd prefer not to. In the actual? It's possible I could, yes."

"I know it hurts right now, Caroline...and you can't think that you'll ever be intimate again, with anyone...but it is possible you know, that you might ultimately be attracted to someone else." Soft. Kind.

"Maybe." Not convinced. "But she wouldn't be Kate, would she?" She looked at the painting again. Wanting to be pulled into its maelstrom of calm.

A very slight smile on Helen's face. A cloud of a smile passing over the landscape. Gone as quickly as it was there. "No. She wouldn't." Left her sentence hanging out there.

Caroline slowly turned her head back to Helen. Held her steady gaze. _Shit! She noticed. Of course she noticed._ Decided to 'fess up, as Lawrence might say. A sigh. "I know you just noticed my...slip of the tongue."

"Is that what it was?"

"Probably." Trying to close this avenue down. "Or are you going to insist it was a Freudian slip?" Snippy.

"Of course not. But it is interesting that you chose the female pronoun rather than the male...or gender neutral. Why do you think that is?"

"Probably because we...I was talking about Kate...so I automatically said 'she'."

"Ok." Accepting. Neutral.

Caroline looked at her suspiciously. _I'm not convinced that one's gone away that easily_.

"You said in a previous session that based on the fact you'd slept with both men and women, you were probably bisexual. Do you think because now you only want Kate and she's not available, that negates your sexual identity?"

Caroline sighed heavily. "No." She tensed her jaw. "Can I ask why we're still talking about this? Why my sexual identity is still a topic of conversation when I've already admitted I'm probably bisexual and you acknowledged that sexuality is fluid anyway?" She leaned back in the chair looking satisfied with her argument.

"I'm not trying to get you to _admit_ anything Caroline." Calm. Always calm. "I want to explore how you actually see yourself."

"Why?" Challenging.

"Because it seems to be a major reason why your relationship with Kate broke down. And I'm not convinced that if she were to give you another chance that you've resolved the issue...for yourself."

Caroline looked shocked. "Oh. I see." A pause as she tried to centre herself. Crossed her legs. Took a deep breath. Swallowed. "So...were you saying that my sexual identity isn't necessarily formed by who I'm sleeping with?" A quiet question. A tacit acceptance.

"To some extent, yes."

"Ok...I'm not sure I entirely understand that." Polite. Engaged.

Helen nodded. "Ok...when you were with Deborah, you said you didn't socialise with other lesbians, right?" Caroline nodded. "Do you remember how you identified then?"

Caroline looked out the window, over Helen's shoulder. The tree, lit up by the streetlight was almost bare of leaves now. Its branches looked invalid somehow without foliage. _Was it even a tree still?_ "No, not really."

"Did you go out together as a couple?"

"We went out together. But not as a couple, no."

"Whose choice was that?"

"Ours. Mine. I don't remember." Caroline looked lost.

Helen tried a different route. "You said that you and Kate had once had a tentative conversation about sexual identity. Did you and Deborah ever have a similar conversation?"

Caroline cast her memory back. "Actually I think we did."

_Deborah and Caroline stood side by side in her tiny bathroom, trying to share the facilities. Deborah rinsed her mouth after brushing her teeth, then stood back watching Caroline as she finished removing her make up and then bent over the washbasin and splashed water on her face. As Caroline stood upright again, Deborah said from behind her, "You are very beautiful, y'know." She moved in closer, looking at Caroline intently in the mirror and then leaned into her, kissing her shoulder before trailing her lips up her neck and then scraping her teeth lightly over the taut muscle. Caroline tilted her head to give Deborah better access. Deborah lifted Caroline's hair away from her neck and then, as she looked up again, she ran her fingers through the blonde silken strands and pulled it back gently from her face. "You have great bone structure. You'd look stunning with short hair."_

_Later, in bed together, Caroline held Deborah in her arms, her head snuggled into her shoulder. Deborah looked up and said, "My mum really liked you, y'know."_

_"I liked her." Caroline kissed Deborah's head. "It was really nice to be accepted as your girlfriend...not to have to pretend I was just your friend."_

_"So, are you going to tell your mum about us?"_

_"Yep." Definite. "When I go back next weekend. I'm not sure she's going to be as...accepting as your mum though." There was a short pause and then Caroline said, "Did you read that leaflet I picked up?"_

_"The one about the proposed ban on 'promoting homosexuality'?"_

_"Yes. They're having a demo against it on Wednesday. Do you...want to go?"_

_Deborah raised herself on one elbow to look at Caroline. "Caroline Dawson the militant lesbian?" _

_"Shut up. It's just...this matters, Deb." A pause then, "Will you come with me?"_

_"You know I will."_

Caroline looked at Helen. "I got quite riled about the proposal of Section 28, I remember...and I persuaded Deborah to come with me on a rally. I remember telling her it was...'important to our community'...not that I was really part of that community openly then...but I think I was starting to think about coming out."

"So what happened?"

"My mother." Caroline rolled her eyes slightly.

Helen waited for her to continue. Caroline looked back to the painting, noticing that from this angle the brushstrokes looked more three dimensional. The green and the blue combined to look like waves crashing on the rocks of her psyche.

"It all happened so quickly really. We went on the rally...and that next weekend I went home to tell my mum about Deborah...about me." She paused, still looking at the painting, then took a deep breath before continuing, "She was...she didn't really want to hear it. She seemed more worried about the fact I'd had my hair cut!" She looked at Helen, astonished even now.

"Why do you think she was concerned about that?"

"I think...it all went together in her head...that I'd cut my hair and was in a relationship with a woman. You know, all the stereotypes about lesbians were there...in her face." She looked back out the window to the tree and said thoughtfully, "I actually thought my hair suited me shorter."

"What did your mum say to you?"

"She said...it wasn't the type of life she wanted for me...that it would be hard...not _normal_. She said she thought I'd been led astray...that this wasn't really me."

"How did that make you feel?"

Caroline looked at Helen as if to gauge her mood. Warm hazel eyes showed sincerity. Nothing more. "I felt...ashamed. Like I'd let her down. Like I was a..._disappointment_." She looked away from the warmth. It felt wrong somehow. She looked to the tree. Its bare branches felt more comfortable to her eyes.

"And was it after that, you ended the relationship with Deborah?" Gentle.

Caroline swallowed. "Yes."

"Did you think about your identity after that?"

"Not really." Caroline bit her bottom lip. "I don't think I felt like I had an identity after that. I just concentrated on studying."

"So, when you started your relationship with John...what did you feel about your identity then?"

"I suppose...I just felt...normal. Accepted."

"Accepted by who, Caroline?"

"By society I suppose."

A pause. Then, "Do you feel like your marriage to John was accepted by your mother?"

Caroline looked into Helen's eyes, "You think I married John to please my mother." A statement. Not angry.

"No Caroline, I don't." Still gentle. Always gentle. "But what do you think?"

"I think...", she looked back to the painting, "...I think...I probably settled." She turned her gaze back to Helen, looking and feeling exposed.

"Did you think that at the time?"

"No...I don't think so. But then...I think..", she scoffed, "...I think we both know that I'm not that enlightened now, so I certainly wasn't then!"

Helen smiled at her. "Oh I think you're coming on quite well in that department."

Caroline smiled back shyly then looked to the painting again. Helen followed her eyes and for a moment or two gazed at the painting herself. For a few seconds a cloud drifted across her face and was reflected in her eyes and then she dragged her gaze away and the sun returned.

"Caroline, how do you think other people see you?"

"What do you mean?" Caroline looked perplexed.

Helen looked at her kindly. "When you got your hair cut and went on the rally with Deborah, how do you think people saw you?"

Caroline started to chew her lip. "I suppose they saw me as a lesbian."

"And how did you feel about that?"

Caroline paused. Looked out the window and then back again. Took a deep breath. "At the time...I felt...great. Free. Empowered."

"Have you ever felt like that since?"

"Only in brief flashes...and never quite like that, no." A quiet, tentative voice.

"Tell me about the brief flashes."

Caroline closed her eyes against the memories. Bittersweet and ultimately painful.

_That first time with Kate. God, how good had that felt! Making love with a woman again. Making love with Kate. In Kate's bed...eventually. Lying next to her. Side by side. Kissing endlessly. Slowly. Deeply. Holding her. Feeling the softness of her skin, her warm curves. Lifting her leg, hooking it over her hip, running her fingers over the silky skin of her inner thigh, feeling Kate gasp her name..._

She opened her eyes again and looked at Helen before starting to speak. "When I realised that Kate was who I wanted to be with. Not my cheating, useless husband...but Kate...I drove into school and asked her to come to my office. I wasn't exactly...subtle I'm afraid...but I just shut the door, grabbed her and kissed her...manoeuvring her back against the door...just in case. God that kiss was so...", she tailed off realising where she was, who she was talking to, "...sorry." Helen waved her hand casually, indicating it wasn't an issue. "The point is..I felt...powerful in that moment. Like I'd taken control of my life. Like this was finally the truth." She started to cry gently.

"Tell me more about the glimpses of that feeling of being in control of who you are." Caroline looked up at her tearfully. "Take your time."

Caroline sniffed inelegantly, then took a tissue and blew her nose. "When I told my mum about...Kate...she didn't react well but eventually Alan told her that she needed to meet me halfway, so she agreed to have dinner at mine...with everyone, so that she could meet her. The dinner wasn't exactly a success but there were a couple of moments where I felt happy...comfortable with who I was...revealing myself to be." Helen looked at her encouragingly and Caroline continued, "Kate was helping me with the prep beforehand. We were standing together in the kitchen, working...the boys were laying the table and I was telling Kate that it didn't matter what my mother thought because I didn't need her approval. Kate gave me this look...it was just...all-encompassing...loving, admiring, supportive...sexy...and in that few seconds I felt...I felt like this was so right and that I could do anything with her by my side."

"You said there were a couple of moments that night." Encouraging gently.

"Yes." A breath. "When we were sitting at the table...Kate was to my right...and she was telling mum and Alan how uplifting she found the story of them finding each other again - they'd been childhood sweethearts you see - Alan told her that it was because William and Raff, Alan's grandson, had set each of them up on Facebook. Kate said that she knew because I'd told her and as she said that, she took my hand and looked at me with such...adoration...", a choked sob, "...that it made my heart flip. Of course a second later I looked over and could see my mother looking at me in disgust, which soured the moment a little...but it'd happened and for a couple of seconds I felt powerful...because of Kate."

Helen nodded, "Any other times you can remember?"

Caroline drew a shaky breath. "One that comes to mind." She paused. "I came home from school late one night. I'd had to stay to see a production of King Lear...and I found Kate asleep on the sofa. I just stood and watched her for a moment. It felt...so right. Coming home to her. Having her there. I felt...protective...and...complete somehow. Because she was there...in my life."

Helen allowed Caroline's words to settle for a few moments, then she said, "Those are important feelings, Caroline. How do you think they relate to the feeling you had at that rally with Deborah?"

Caroline opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again. She looked to the painting for reassurance. The swishes of blue and green gave her confidence. "They're similar...but all those feelings with Kate were...confined...they were only open to me or my immediate family. I never gave them chance to...grow."

Helen nodded again, "Yes." She waited until Caroline was looking at her before saying, "In those times...those times when you felt empowered, sure of yourself...in control...what would you say your identity was then?"

Caroline blinked, clarity appearing before her eyes. "I was...I was a lesbian. Definitely."

Helen nodded and smiled. "Do you think you'd want to recapture that feeling?"

After a couple of moments, Caroline nodded slowly. "Yes. Yes, I do." She paused, then, looking a bit confused, she said, "But...how can I be part of a community when I don't know anything about it...and...and..", she was starting to wind up now, getting more heated as she went, "...it's not like...I'm even in a relationship to justify it...and.."

"Caroline, Caroline...there's no need for you to try and tie all this up right now." Helen interrupted Caroline's steam train of concern and smiled at her kindly. "And as for being in a relationship...well...do you think...your mum ceased to be straight after your dad had died and before she met Alan?"

Caroline took a deep breath, looking at the painting to hide her embarrassment. "No...I suppose not."

Helen waited a moment before asking, "So...are you still ticking asexual on that form?"

Caroline smiled at Helen in recognition of her gentle, teasing question. "No, I don't think I am." A pause. A shy smile. "I think I'm too old to have my hair that short now though."

Calm waters now. The little sailing boat bobbed up and down gently.


	7. Chapter 7

_"I know what it was meant to be, Caroline. It was meant to be you and me..."_

"I'm _so_ sorry Helen! There's so much to do at this time of year...and I was trying to catch up...and I just lost track of time!" Caroline rushed into the office in a mild panic, clearly appalled at herself for being late.

"It's fine Caroline. You're only about five minutes late anyway." Helen smiled at her kindly.

"It's more like ten. And I'm sure you've got better things to do than wait for me."

"Let's settle on seven and a half then. And accept that I've enjoyed the time you've given me to catch up a bit myself."

Caroline looked at her properly for the first time since she swept into the room and shyly returned her smile. "Ok then, seven and a half. But don't add it onto my bill...now I know you've used it for other stuff."

"Deal." Helen waved her hand, indicating that Caroline should sit down. Caroline did so. Helen waited until she'd settled - got comfortable, smoothed her skirt, crossed her legs - then she said, "I wonder if you've been thinking any more about your self image since our last session?"

Caroline nodded, "I have actually. Or rather...I feel like it's been forced on me."

"What do you mean?"

"I had to go dress shopping", she grimaced a little, "..for the wedding. Mum and Alan's."

"Right..." Helen allowed Caroline the space to continue at her own pace.

Caroline sighed heavily. "Have you had to use those ridiculous communal changing rooms?"

A faint smile. "Sometimes. I try to avoid them if I can."

"Hmmm...a sensible approach." She smiled grimly. "So. I was in one last weekend. And at first it was fine because I was the only person there...but I'd tried on one dress - which was a total disaster by the way...made me look like a smurf - and I was just taking it off, when in walked another woman." She took a deep breath and briefly looked to her left to locate the painting, then back to Helen, "The thing is...I feel like I've become more...well, more aware of myself...my body...my sexuality...and other women...since...well, recently." She looked at Helen, her soul on display in the depths of her eyes, "This woman was...probably a good ten years younger than me...and much...slimmer too. Not that that's the issue. The thing is...I felt so...self conscious. Not just of me and my partially clothed body...but of her...and where I should look!" She looked at Helen in horror almost. "I wanted to run out. But of course I couldn't. Not least because I was just standing there in my underwear. I just felt so...ill-equipped!"

"Were you attracted to her?"

"No!" Caroline looked outraged at the suggestion. "It's just...I'm a woman, who _is_ attracted to other women. Generally. And...well...I don't know what the right..._etiquette_ is." She squirmed a little as she remembered.

"Caroline", Helen leaned forward, looking at her earnestly, "Did this other woman look uncomfortable?" Calming. Soothing. Pouring oil on troubled waters.

"I don't think so. I didn't really look at her...but she seemed happy to strip off and try on the stuff she'd chosen."

"Then why does there have to be an etiquette?"

A big huff of air. "Because...because...I don't know how to..._be_!"

"Start by trying to explain why you felt ill-equipped, Caroline."

"I think it's because...I don't know what's expected of me. I've spent...more than twenty years knowing what's expected...and now...well...I don't."

"Why do you think that there's anything different expected of you now, than there was before?"

Caroline looked around the room, as if she was checking that everything was as she remembered. "Because I'm different I suppose", she said quietly.

Helen nodded. Paused. Then, "So why do you think you felt self conscious?"

Caroline looked back to the painting. Noticed for the first time that the paint was dark and gnarled in the left hand corner. Swallowed. "Being there...kind of felt like watching a film containing sex scenes with my mother!" Looked appalled at herself.

Gently. "Why though?"

Caroline looked out of the window. Illuminated by the streetlight, the bare branches waved in the breeze. Beckoning winter's full fury. "Maybe because...I have more of an understanding now of...how powerful my feelings are...for Kate...", she paused, smiled wryly, "...who of course is a woman...and that's all linked to my sexuality...and part of that is to do with my...body." She looked at Helen, almost as if she was seeking approval. Wanting to know she'd got the answer right.

Helen smiled gently. Encouragingly. "Yes." Let the affirmation sink into the air. "So what's the difference between your sexuality and your sexual identity?"

Caroline looked haughty all of a sudden. "I'm not stupid, Helen. I know it's the difference between what I do and who I am."

"Yes. But they can be very...enmeshed. Unruly." Quiet.

Caroline looked confused. "Unruly? Are you just being...poetic?"

"I wasn't trying to be, no. I was trying to express how your emotions can be...can act...can make you feel."

"Oh. Ok. Sorry." Caroline looked genuinely contrite. "So...are you saying my emotions aren't allowing me to be...comfortable...settled?"

Helen looked at Caroline gently, "Why do you think that might be?"

Caroline looked uncomfortable. "I think it's...a few reasons."

"Go on." Gentle encouragement.

Caroline felt like she had when her dad taught her to ride her bike. Still unsteady, but pedalling doggedly. Remembered to breathe. "I saw Kate."

"Right. How was it?"

"Complicated." Caroline looked back to the painting to centre herself. Let down her anchor. Hung on. Took a deep breath. "I went into school last...Thursday...and Beverley, my PA, met me to tell me that Kate had driven herself into hospital because she was...bleeding."

"How did you feel when you heard that?"

"Panicky. Scared. I just turned tail and left...even though Beverley was reminding me I had meetings."

"What were you thinking?"

"I just wanted...needed...to be with her. I needed to be there for her. I knew...I _knew_ she'd be scared...and I wanted to...help."

"Is that the only reason?" Gentle. Always gentle.

Caroline looked surprised by Helen's question. "I...think so."

"Ok." Giving nothing away. A pause before, "So what happened when you caught up with Kate?"

"I found her at the hospital...in the waiting room. It was a bit strange really, having thought about it since; she didn't ask why I was there. Anyway, I tried to reassure her a bit and then the nurse came out to call her in for her scan." She paused, swallowed and looked back to the painting. Tried to distinguish each brushstroke within one patch of green. "I asked her if she wanted me to come in with her...and..", her voice cracked and she took a deep breath to control herself, "...she said yes."

"What made you ask?"

Blue eyes met hazel. "I...she looked so scared...and I know...I _know_ it's not my place but...I just wanted to be able to help her."

"So you were being a friend?"

Caroline broke eye contact. "Yes."

"Do you think it's possible to be a friend at the same time as being in love with that person?"

Caroline's gaze wandered around the room. "Yes, of course." The headmistress. Precise. No nonsense. "I care about her."

"I'm not saying you don't, Caroline. But do you care about her in the same way as your friends...Gillian for instance?"

Caroline uncrossed her legs and moved uncomfortably in the chair. "No, I suppose not. But...", she looked at Helen seriously, "...I had no ulterior motive in asking."

Helen retained eye contact but said nothing. Caroline eventually looked away. Examined her shoe. Looked back to the painting.

Helen watched her interestedly all the while. Finally she asked, "So how did you feel during the scan?"

Caroline didn't look away from the painting but she blinked a couple of times and swallowed. There was a pause while she took a couple of deep breaths, then she said in a strained voice, "Yeah, ok...point taken." She looked back to Helen, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"I wasn't trying to make a point, Caroline." Soft. Gentle. "I'm not here to score points against you." She maintained eye contact, as if to prove her veracity, before asking quietly, "Can you explain how you felt?"

Caroline took a shuddery breath. "I felt...god, a whole..._raft_ of things!"

"Go on." Nudging her forward.

"When I sat down next to the bed...I felt...nervous. I could feel Kate's worry and fright. It felt like it was crackling in the air around me. I could see her breathing shallowly...and her face was...drawn." She swallowed again to try to get rid of the lump in her throat. "As the..nurse started to undertake the scan, Kate...she...grabbed my hand." Caroline's voice broke and she started to cry gently.

"Take your time, Caroline."

"I...I...god Helen, I was overwhelmed by that. And I know she...only did it because she was scared...but...it just made me think...", a sob forced its way out of her, "...you see, when we were together...when we...slept together, Kate used to like to...hold my hand when she slept." She took a shaky breath. "It didn't matter whether we were snuggled up or she was...behind me...or whatever...she always liked to hold my hand as she was going to sleep. And so when she did that, I immediately thought of...how it was between us." She looked at Helen, her pain apparent. "I didn't intend to Helen. I know I shouldn't have...but I just...couldn't help it!"

"I can understand that." Soft. Calm. Reassuring. "So, what happened?"

Caroline leaned over to take a tissue and for a moment she tried to get her emotions under control. "Well..the good thing is, the baby...and Kate are fine."

"That _is_ good, yes. Did that take the emotional pressure off you?"

Caroline snorted in derision at herself, "Yeah right." Helen raised her eyebrows questioningly. A deep breath again. Slightly shaky still. "I saw the baby on the monitor." She stopped, as if she'd said something so declaratory, so obvious, that it didn't need qualifying.

"How did seeing the baby make you feel?"

Caroline looked away from Helen's enquiring gaze. Sought out the painting. Wanted to drown in its depths. Be cooled by the colours of the sea. "Love. It..._she_...made me feel...love." Caroline's voice was quiet. Muted by the waves. By the constant eddy and flow.

"Love for Kate?..or love for the baby?"

Caroline gulped as she tried to breathe. "Love for Kate is...constant. Love for the baby was...a surprise. I didn't expect to feel that when I saw her." She looked at Helen again, her eyes swimming in tears and said unnecessarily, "It's a girl."

Helen nodded in acknowledgment. A hint of a smile. A ghost. "So, what else did you feel?"

"What else?" Caroline looked at Helen; confused through the mists of her misery.

"Mmmm...you were sitting there, holding Kate's hand, watching the scan of her baby." Caroline winced at the words 'her baby'. It didn't go unmissed by Helen. "Tell me what you were feeling as that scene unfolded?"

Caroline started to chew her bottom lip. "Ummm...well...I'm not sure."

"Think about it for a moment." Gentle insistence.

Caroline looked to the floor and then back to the painting. Her gaze raking its depths. She looked at a patch of blue right in the middle of the canvas. There seemed to be a crack there. A tiny fissure. _Or was it deliberate? A tiny streak of black?_ She started to feel like she was getting a headache. She widened her gaze to the rest of the painting. _God. There are cracks all over it. Tiny little cracks. How could I not have seen them before?_

"I felt...proud." Caroline looked at Helen. She seemed startled by her own voice. Her own words.

"Explain why you felt that, Caroline."

A small voice still. Not the headmistress. This was Caroline. "Because for a moment...as I sat there, holding Kate's hand...I could kid myself that we were back together. That I was her...partner. That this was my baby too." She chewed her lip again.

"How did you feel with the nurse being there? With the fact that maybe she thought you were Kate's partner too."

"I...yes. I...wanted her to think that." She looked embarrassed at her statement. Her admission.

"Why did you want her to think that?"

"I think...I think...it fits in with feeling proud...of Kate...of the baby."

"Of what you wanted to be seen to have?"

"I suppose." Slightly surly in response to the reminder that she didn't have what she wanted. She sighed, uncrossed her legs. Muttered, "Not that it mattered."

"Why didn't it matter?"

"Because just when I was feeling...ha... Just when I'd kidded myself that all this was real...Kate...dropped my hand and apologised."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Bloody wonderful." Sarcastic. Crossed her arms. Dismissive of the question. Reverting to type. To the tried and tested.

"How did you respond?" Ignoring the dismissal. Dr Elliot has no authority here.

Caroline looked around the room. Wanted to ignore the question. Already felt too exposed. Looked at the painting but could find no way in. The question lingered oppressively in the air. Eventually she looked back to Helen, who sat patiently, waiting. Blue eyes met hazel. Caroline felt like she wanted to cry. "I...was about to say, 'that's fine'...but I...I couldn't. I just let it hang there in the air...after saying, 'that's."

"So you didn't want to lie?"

Caroline shook her head ruefully. "I couldn't."

A pause. Then, gently, "But you lied to yourself for a while there?"

Caroline looked at her in shock, "That's different!"

"Is it? How?"

"Because...the only person I was kidding was me...and..", she tailed off.

"And?" A gentle prod.

"And...I don't matter. Not in the great scheme of things."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because Kate...and the baby...are more important."

"And honesty? Where does that figure in the great scheme of things?"

Caroline looked back to the painting. Saw the cracks, the pockmarks, the irregularities. Noticed the depth, the texture, the layers of colour, the tones, the light and shade. Took a deep breath, forced herself to look back at Helen.

"You're right, it is important. Very."

"Which is more important; being honest with Kate, or honest with yourself?"

Serious blue eyes confronted Helen as she thought about the question. There was a long pause and then she said quietly, "They're both as important as each other. If I'm going to change my life that is."


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you so much to everybody for their reviews and support. This is the last chapter. I have really enjoyed writing this story and it's good to know that you seem to have enjoyed reading it. Helen is now booked up for the foreseeable future, I'm afraid...and she's put her rates up too.

* * *

_"... I think it will always be about you.."_

Caroline walked into Helen's office. Her eyes looked bright and she seemed upbeat. "Hi Helen." She yawned unexpectedly, "Oh god, sorry."

"Hi Caroline." She smiled, "It's fine. How was your Christmas?"

Caroline smiled. "Actually, it was fabulous." She sat down and crossed her legs. Dangled one booted foot casually over a denim clad leg. "It feels a bit strange to be meeting with you during the day. The glory of school holidays, eh?"

Helen looked at Caroline carefully. "I sense something has changed for you. What's happened?"

Caroline couldn't stop a slow, broad smile. "Kate and I...we're back together."

Caroline's smile was infectious. Helen returned it. "So. How did that happen?"

"At mum and Alan's wedding...on Christmas Eve. Mum had...asked Kate to play the piano at the ceremony...and then she sprung it on me that she'd asked her to stay afterwards."

"Do you remember how you felt about that?"

"I was..._appalled_." She smiled wryly. "I wondered how the hell she could be so...insensitive!" She paused, clearly remembering, "And how I was going to get through the day."

"Did you say anything?"

"I couldn't." Caroline looked at Helen almost apologetically. "It was mum's wedding day...and she told me that just as she was about to get married."

"So what did you do?"

"What _could_ I do? I just...carried on."

"How did that feel...being there with Kate?"

Caroline took a deep breath. "Hard." She looked to the painting. Saw it. Was reassured.

"Explain why that was?"

"Because she looked...beautiful." She paused. "And I wanted her to be there with me." Quietly. Thoughtfully.

"So, did you talk to her?"

Caroline looked sheepish. "No." She looked at her boot. Then up again to meet Helen's eyes. "I have...since though."

"Since you got back together?"

"Yes." She swallowed, "I told her about seeing you too."

Helen smiled at Caroline encouragingly, "How did that go?"

Caroline looked back to the painting. The green looked vibrant. Lush. It reminded her of a forest. The sunlight dappling through the foliage. "It went...well."

* * *

_"I should probably tell you something." Kate looked up at her expectantly but said nothing. Caroline swallowed before saying quietly, "I've been seeing someone."_

_Kate looked startled. "A...woman?"_

_"Yes."_

_Kate raised herself slowly on her elbow. Calm voice but her eyes showed a wealth of emotion. "You've been...dating?!"_

_"Kate! God, no! No! That's not..what I...no, not..." She took a deep breath. Looked into Kate's soft, brown eyes. "No. I've been seeing a...counsellor. A therapist."_

_Kate looked at her astoundedly. Her mouth even drifted open a little. Somewhere in Caroline's head she was amused by her expression. Kate's mouth closed and then opened again, before she said, "Have you? Really?"_

_Caroline smiled at her gently. "I have, yes."_

_Kate still looked shocked. "When? How? Why? I mean...if you want to tell me, that is."_

_Caroline stroked Kate's cheek gently. "I've been trying to...understand myself more. To come to terms with...who I am...what I am."_

_"So this is...since you and I...split up?" Kate moved a little in the bed, winced gently and rubbed her pregnant belly._

_"You ok?" Caroline looked concerned._

_"Fine. She's just...kicking a bit." Kate took Caroline's hand and placed it on her bump._

_As Caroline felt the baby move under her hand she smiled slowly at Kate. The two women looked at each other for a few moments before Caroline blinked and said gently, "Yes. A couple of weeks after you'd...we'd split up...I started to see Helen." She stroked Kate's belly._

_"How has it...been?"_

_"Hard. But it's been the right thing to do. It's...she's helped me. A lot. I think."_

_Kate smiled and said softly, "I'm glad", before leaning in for another kiss._

* * *

Helen looked at Caroline intently, watching her eyes as they flickered with memories. "So, how honest have you been with Kate since then?"

"Very." Blue met hazel. Serious.

"Is that what helped you reconcile?"

Caroline looked to the painting. The blue fighting its way out of the green. The green as thick weed in a sea of blue. "Probably not...not entirely anyway."

"What do you mean?"

Caroline looked over Helen's shoulder, out the window. In the distance, probably in the park across the road, someone was flying a yellow kite. She could see it beyond the bare branches of the tree. It looked carefree. She looked back to the painting. Needed the reassurance of its green and its blue. Its defiance.

"Well, I only really spoke to Kate that day when she came to tell me she was leaving...and she asked me to thank mum for her." She glanced at Helen. "I was doing my best to be...cordial...and not show that I wanted to just grab her and kiss her." Looked back to the painting. "I thought about what we'd talked about...about honesty and...being true to myself...but then she wished me a nice Christmas...and I was angry y'know...that she could be so bloody..._trite_, after all we'd been to each other!"

"How did you respond?" Blue eyes, still with the hint of residual pain met warm, hazel.

Caroline lowered her gaze for a moment, then looked back up. "It was something like, 'yeah, how likely is that?'" She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry as she remembered how desolate she'd felt after that. "I remember looking into her eyes as I said it. She looked annoyed at me. Disappointed. I apologised and wished her a nice Christmas too but she just...looked at me as if she wanted to say something else and then left."

"How did you feel?"

"Awful. Empty. Annoyed at myself. But...", she trailed off before catching Helen's eye and seeing her enquiring gaze, "...but I was also annoyed at Kate...for approaching me...well, like me really."

"What do you mean, Caroline? How was she like you?"

"She was...well, I think she was a bit disingenuous really. I mean...if she thought we'd really moved on...and were just friends..._happy_ being friends...then fair enough. But that isn't how we were. Where we were." She took a breath. "And she still just treated me like a...casual acquaintance."

"So, is that what you would've done...in her position?"

Caroline rolled her eyes slightly. "Probably."

"Why do you think you would've done that?"

"Because it was my mum's wedding day. I wouldn't have wanted to rock the boat."

"So...why didn't you say something more to Kate when she approached you?"

"I...I suppose I didn't think it was my place."

"Did you want to?"

Caroline's gaze drifted back to the window. The yellow kite still sailed and swooped in the grey, winter sky. "Yes. I wanted to ask her not to go. To stay."

"So your comment of 'how likely is that', when she wished you a nice Christmas...was that a dishonest reaction do you think?"

Caroline looked back to the painting. Noticed some flares of yellow from the kite in the green. _Had that been there before?_ "Actually...it wasn't dishonest. It was how I felt." She looked at Helen again. "Maybe I could've said more...talked to Kate about how I felt...asked her to stay...but what I _did_ say, wasn't dishonest."

Helen nodded almost imperceptibly. Left a deliberate pause. As she was about to speak again, Caroline said, "The thing is Helen...what I'm really worried about now...is that...I'll fuck it up...with Kate." She looked at Helen almost desperately. "I can't lose her...not again! I felt like it almost killed me last time!"

"Have you spoken to Kate about this?" Gentle. Always gentle.

"A bit." She looked at Helen. Knew she needed to elaborate. "I've told her that I want this time to be different...that I want to be...what she deserves."

"Has Kate said what she wants from you?"

Caroline blinked, distracted for a moment. _She certainly has! Several times. And I've obliged...more than willingly...but I don't think that's what Helen is asking._ She swallowed, "No...not really."

"What do you think you need to do differently this time, Caroline?"

"I suppose...", she looked back to the constant of the blue and green. Let its colours cool her. Calm her. Centre her. "...I need to communicate more openly and honestly. And I also need to...be more open about our relationship."

"Do you think you can do that?"

"I have to." Resolute. Then, remembering, she said with a small smile, "I made a decent start at the wedding."

"How so?"

A shy, slightly embarrassed smile. "Kate came back...about an hour after she'd left. I just looked up and there she was...standing next to where I was sitting. She said something about going home and coming straight back and then held out her hand and asked me to dance."

Helen nodded. "What did you do?"

"My heart was beating fit to bust. I took her hand but all that was going through my head was, what if this is just a dance?"

"Why did that make a difference to you?"

Caroline looked at her astoundedly. "I couldn't be that close to her...just for a _dance_!"

"Did you tell her that?"

"Pretty much. I got up, trying to decide how to say what I needed to say." She scoffed gently, "God, I wasn't exactly erudite! I managed to stammer, 'is this like?' and Kate just looked at me and said, 'what?'" She swallowed, her mouth becoming dry at the memory. "I looked into her eyes and any attempt at explaining what I was feeling went out of the window. I'm looking into her eyes and she's still holding my hand and I was feeling quite overwhelmed...but I remembered what we'd talked about and I knew I had to try, Helen. I knew she needed to understand that this couldn't be _just_ a dance...that if we were going to dance then I needed some reassurance that this was the start of..._us_."

"So what did you say?"

"I said...'forever'! I asked her in my inept way whether she was intending that this be the start of our relationship. Because that's what I wanted. That's what I needed it to be." She looked at Helen, almost triumphantly.

"How did you feel when you'd said that?"

"I was terrified."

"What were you frightened of?"

"That she'd say no."

"Anything else?"

Caroline looked back to the painting. Sought out the edges of the green where she could now see flashes of yellow. Realised there were also darker, razor thin streaks of darker blue throughout that she hadn't seen before. "I felt...quite proud of myself I suppose."

"Explain why you felt that."

"Because I knew that I couldn't cope with _just_ a dance and that I had to...tell her what I wanted...before we went any further."

Helen nodded. "Do I take it that Kate's answer was in the affirmative?"

"Yes. She was...a bit circumspect...came up with a Prince quote about forever being a mighty long time but then she smiled and said it was, in theory."

"So, how was the dance?"

Caroline smiled. A beaming smile. "Wonderful."

"Do I take it that this dance was in front of all your family?"

"Yes."

"How did that feel?"

"Honestly?" Helen nodded. "Once Kate and I started dancing...and then kissing..", she blushed delicately, "...I forgot they were there."

"And afterwards?"

"Well...when the song finished...and we drew apart...I could see that people were looking at us...including my mother...", she grimaced, "...but to be honest, by that point I couldn't give a stuff. I just smiled sweetly and led Kate off the dance floor." She paused and pushed a few strands of hair off her face with the tips of her fingers. "I felt good, Helen. I felt...strong...empowered...like I haven't for _years_."

"Like that day at the rally with Deborah?"

Caroline nodded, looking at Helen seriously. "I know I'm a lesbian, Helen. And I'm hoping that Kate and I...and the baby...and the boys...can now make a proper life together."

Helen allowed a silence to settle between them before she asked, "Do you remember at the start of our sessions we talked about control?" Caroline nodded. "You said that your relationship with Kate had sometimes made you feel out of control because of the overwhelming emotion and uncertainty." Caroline raised her eyebrows in astonishment at Helen's recall. "What do you think, if anything, is different now?"

Caroline took a deep breath. She looked down. The fingers of her left hand traced the reassuring cracks, scratches and other imperfections in the leather of the arm of the chair. She looked up at Helen. "_I'm_ different. I'm not saying that I've got everything figured out...but I now accept my relationship with Kate as the gift that it is. Yes, it's a same sex relationship but so what? I've learnt that being lonely and conflicted is not a valid alternative...certainly not at my age."

Helen nodded. A comfortable silence. "I think that's us done for today then Caroline."

"Thanks." A smile. An exhalation.

* * *

Caroline stopped in front of the painting, looking at it intently. "I've come to love this painting. Not that I know anything about art." For the first time she noticed the small signature in the bottom, right hand corner. She peered at it, trying to make it out. Read it uncertainly, "Zoe...Byrne." She turned to look at Helen. "Is she someone you know?"

Helen nodded. "My daughter."

"Oh. But your surname isn't...", she tailed off feeling embarrassed for speaking without thinking.

Helen smiled. "I don't use my husband's name. Never have. Apart from anything else, imagine how it'd sound...for a therapist!"

Caroline looked slightly confused and then realisation dawned. "Helen Byrne." She smiled, "Oh yes. It's not really...conducive to...what you do, is it?"

Hazel eyes met blue. "It's not." A gentle smile.

Caroline looked back to the painting. "You must be very proud. She's clearly very talented."

Helen took a barely concealed sharp breath. "She was...yes."

As if the reaction had been passed on, Caroline's breath left her. "Oh god. Oh Helen, I'm _so_ sorry. I didn't..."

"There's no reason you would've known, Caroline. It's fine." Helen back in charge. Calm.

"Right. Ok. I'll see you...next time then." Caroline felt awkward. Awful. Edging out.

"Yes, of course. 'Bye, Caroline."

"'Bye."

* * *

Caroline walked out of the small office block, looking around the car park. Her face lit up when she saw Kate sitting in the jeep, waiting for her. She walked over in several, long strides, slipping into the passenger seat in an easy movement. She leaned over and their lips met in a sweet reconnection.

Kate smiled gently, "How'd it go?"

"Ok...but, oh Kate...I just _really_ put my foot in it with Helen. I feel _awful_!" Caroline looked distraught.

"Why? What have you done?"

Caroline rolled her eyes in exasperation at herself. "Do you remember I told you about the blue and green painting?" Kate nodded. "Well, I just commented on it and after deciphering the signature of Zoe Byrne, I asked Helen who the artist was. Turns out it was her daughter." She looked at Kate in horror.

"Right..." Kate looked a bit confused.

"With the emphasis on the 'was'."

"Oh." The penny had clearly dropped for Kate. "Oh Caroline, I'm sure...", she tailed off, her expression changing to something indecipherable. "Did you say her name was Zoe Byrne?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I...I remember her."

"What do you mean? You _knew_ her?!"

"Kind of." Kate looked uncomfortable. As if she didn't want to carry on with the conversation.

"_Kate_. Tell me." Caroline used her most serious headmistress voice.

Kate took a deep breath, looking at Caroline sympathetically. Caroline was worried to see that there was a certain amount of pain in her eyes. "A couple of years ago...I did some voluntary work for a local LGBT youth group. Zoe came along a couple of times." She swallowed and Caroline could see tears appearing in the corner of her eyes.

"Just tell me, darling." Caroline kept her voice deliberately soft.

"She...took her own life, Caroline." Her voice broke as she saw the pain and shock in her partner's eyes. "It seems she...couldn't come to terms with her sexuality."

"Oh god!" Caroline started to cry. "Oh god. Kate that's..._Jesus_, poor Helen!"

Kate took Caroline in her arms, despite it being difficult to do so from the driver's seat. Caroline laid her head on her shoulder and sobbed. Sobbed for the daughter Helen had lost, for the nascent talent the world would never know and for the sadness and desperation a young girl must've experienced because of the gender of the person to whom she was attracted.

Kate let her sob. She held Caroline close, one arm around her back, the other hand cradling her head and stroking her hair softly. Finally Caroline's sobs subsided and she eventually pulled gently out of Kate's embrace. Sad blue eyes looked into loving brown and gazed for quite some time. Seeking a mirror of reassurance.

"Kate." A choked voice. "We're going to be ok, aren't we?"

Kate smiled softly and cupped Caroline's face, wiping her cheeks with her thumbs. "We've come a long way, you and me." She paused, looking at Caroline intently before leaning in and capturing her lips in a tender kiss. Pulling away, she said softly, "Ready to go home?"

Caroline nodded. Kate started the car and drove to the entrance of the car park, where she stopped, waiting for a gap in the traffic. Caroline suddenly noticed the kite was still flying in the park opposite. She watched its yellow swoop across the grey clouds and allowed herself to feel hopeful.


End file.
